25/06/20: A Few Trips & An Update, A Message To A Shaman

“Hi,

I tried coming off the main pharmaceutical I am on, Pregabalin, reducing the dose was truly awful. I felt on edge, reverted back to the state I was in before taking Pregabalin (a scared, traumatised girl), wanted to lay on the local train tracks, suicidal, body pain, flat mood and feeling like a ghost, panicky, delirious, possible psychosis, really distressed mind and my partner was worried about me immensely; he said I looked distraught, as if someone had died and he didn’t recognise “me”. I was a wreck. I went back to my normal dosage of 400mg 4 days later. I don’t know how I will come off these or even live to see the day. I will get in contact with my doctor to see if there is any help out there with coming off the medications, or at least one or reducing some. However, as you know, due to the coronavirus it’s all online and there’s a big lack of support. I am too unstable to come off these medications alone. Ideally, I would like to be put in a wellbeing centre (that doesn’t exsist yet and is something I would like to create) and be under the care of people who are spiritually aware, compassionate, supportive and also scientifically qualified to aid me. For now, I will look into options to help me come off these pills but I will have to stay on them until then because I am not safe to come off them.

At the moment I have no idea what is happening to me. I feel so alone in the pain and misery of my reality, as if everyone else is in a different dimension (heaven) and me purgatory/hell. I am scared of being left alone in the dark and everyone around me fading away. I’m highly suicidal because of all this pain, I honestly planned my suicide this week.. Body pains crippling me, unstable mind, not being able to communicate how I feel always due to the medications and stress numbing my brain, making me slur and not recollect words. It’s miserable for me as I value my intelligence very much, I thrive off knowledge and learning. I feel dead, numb, emotionally numb, on edge, flat. I can’t sleep well even with sleeping pills and the herb. I really have no clue as to where I am headed and what to do. Paralysation. I don’t now how I do it and still manage to laugh and smile, but behind lies a desperate girl looking for help, who is distraught and wailing a well of tears of pain. Every day is HELL. I can’t even begin to describe how awful my reality is. It’s like being on a heavy drug come down every day, absolute hell. When someone says “you seem better now”, it’s really me just being better at faking looking and acting “normal.”

Yesterday I was lucky enough to participate in multiple 5-MEO-DMT trips. Each trip lasted around ten minutes. I have been advised by certain people to stay away from psychedelics.. but they may by an aid in helping me. I’ve had a fear around psychedelics after fearing they may have caused me problems from past experiences, around a year and a half ago. But as I took my first hit from the pipe, I had faced my fear. However the first trip was just DMT (The Spirit Molecule) not 5-MEO-DMT (The God Molecule) and I got a rather dark trip, I turned into sewage and melted into the sofa, all the African masks in our apartment came out at me, reality melted, I saw many geometrical patterns and my body felt disgusting. The reason being I believe was because I had two beers the night before and I am not good with alcohol at all, it has taken me three days to recover from two gluten free beers. I felt the beer as poison in my lower stomach and it has put me off alcohol all together, it’s made me not want to touch it again generally. The four other trips were done outside in the sun, in nature, with fellow soul searchers, I felt 5-MEO-DMT to have a spirit that is a feminine, warm loving energy, it poured forth loving energy, I asked the question what is the answer to my healing and love was poured on me, love is the answer and what I need, not pharmaceuticals, I felt an only slight peace for the first time in two years, I saw an anaconda wrapping it’s way around reality, “I” saw DNA strands. I felt like different areas of my brain had been re-wired, more clarity, I could see slightly better, like the defintion of my eyes had been altered and upgraded slightly, but not much after-effect other than that. I couldn’t fully go into the trip as I was conscious of people around me talking and it interfered and distracted me. My partner saw the matrix of our reality with grid lines and geometrical patterns. I’d like to do a big journey soon involving Ayahuasca or high dose DMT to go ask the question about how I go about healing because I feel I have nothing to lose, I am desperate for help and plants have always called me. I believe these plants can help raise human consciousness and increase awareness of the true nature of reality. I’m looking into doing a mushroom trip with my partner soon potentially‚Ķ

Have you ever delved into DMT land?

I realise my whole life has been a lie, I knew this but now know on a deep level. It’s very strange, bizarre and unusual times..

Thanks for aiding me in seeing what might be of help,
Speak soon & take care,
Amber”