You have the right to be assertive. Other people have the right to be assertive too. Being unassertive will cause you more stress in the long-term. Being unassertive will reduce your feelings of self-worth. Being respected and respecting yourself is more important than being liked. Give a reason for your assertive response if you feel it is appropriate, but never an excuse or an apology.
With practice assertiveness will become second nature to you.
Getting hooked means getting caught up in thinking and losing touch with what is happening outside of our minds. When we get hooked by unwanted thoughts it is as though they push us around or bully us, like a critical coach who stands on the sidelines giving harsh feedback.
Getting unhooked means stepping back from our minds and experiencing our thoughts without evaluating them, trying to change them, or pushing them away. That is, paying attention to the experience of having the thoughts, rather than focusing on their meaning (for example, “there must be something wrong with me).
That doesn’t mean you have to like or want the thought. It is more to do with acknowledging that you are having the thought and that pushing it away may not have been very helpful. The more you resist, the more the thought persists.
“The Buddha taught that to realize enlightenment, a person must develop two qualities: wisdom and compassion. Wisdom and compassion are sometimes compared to two wings that work together to enable flying or two eyes that work together to see deeply.
In the West, we’re taught to think of “wisdom” as something that is primarily intellectual and “compassion” as something that is primarily emotional, and that these two things are separate and even incompatible. We’re led to believe that fuzzy, sappy emotion gets in the way of clear, logical wisdom. But this is not the Buddhist understanding.
The Sanskrit word usually translated as “wisdom” is prajna (in Pali, panna), which can also be translated as “consciousness,” “discernment,” or “insight.” Each of the many schools of Buddhism understands prajna somewhat differently, but generally, we can say that prajna is understanding or discernment of the Buddha’s teaching, especially the teaching of anatta, the principle of no self.
The word usually translated as “compassion” is karuna, which is understood to mean active sympathy or a willingness to bear the pain of others. In practice, prajna gives rise to karuna, and karuna gives rise to prajna. Truly, you can’t have one without the other. They are a means to realizing enlightenment, and in themselves, they are also enlightenment itself manifested.
Compassion as Training
In Buddhism, the ideal of practice is to selflessly act to alleviate suffering wherever it appears. You may argue it is impossible to eliminate suffering, yet the practice calls for us to make the effort.
What does being nice to others have to do with enlightenment? For one thing, it helps us realize that “individual me” and “individual you” are mistaken ideas. And as long as we’re stuck in the idea of “what’s in it for me?” we are not yet wise.
In Being Upright: Zen Meditation and the Bodhisattva Precepts, Soto Zen teacher Reb Anderson wrote, “Reaching the limits of practice as a separate personal activity, we are ready to receive help from the compassionate realms beyond our discriminating awareness.” Reb Anderson continues:
“We realize the intimate connection between the conventional truth and the ultimate truth through the practice of compassion. It is through compassion that we become thorougly grounded in the conventional truth and thus prepared to receive the ultimate truth. Compassion brings great warmth and kindness to both perspectives. It helps us to be flexible in our interpretation of the truth, and teaches us to give and receive help in practicing the precepts.”
In The Essence of the Heart Sutra, His Holiness the Dalai Lama wrote,
“According to Buddhism, compassion is an aspiration, a state of mind, wanting others to be free from suffering. It’s not passive — it’s not empathy alone — but rather an empathetic altruism that actively strives to free others from suffering. Genuine compassion must have both wisdom and lovingkindness. That is to say, one must understand the nature of the suffering from which we wish to free others (this is wisdom), and one must experience deep intimacy and empathy with other sentient beings (this is lovingkindness).”
Have you ever seen someone do something courteous and then get angry for not being properly thanked? True compassion has no expectation of reward or even a simple “thank you” attached to it. To expect a reward is to maintain the idea of a separate self and a separate other, which is contrary to the Buddhist goal.
The ideal of dana paramita — the perfection of giving — is “no giver, no receiver.” For this reason, by tradition, begging monks receive alms silently and do not express thanks. Of course, in the conventional world, there are givers and receivers, but it’s important to remember that the act of giving is not possible without receiving. Thus, givers and receivers create each other, and one is not superior to the other.
That said, feeling and expressing gratitude can be a tool for chipping away at our selfishness, so unless you are a begging monk, it’s certainly appropriate to say “thank you” to acts of courtesy or help.
To draw on an old joke, you get to be more compassionate the same way you get to Carnegie Hall — practice, practice, practice.
It’s already been noted that compassion arises from wisdom, just as wisdom arises from compassion. If you’re feeling neither especially wise nor compassionate, you may feel the whole project is hopeless. But the nun and teacher Pema Chodron says, “start where you are.” Whatever mess your life is right now is the soil from which enlightenment may grow.
In truth, although you may take one step at a time, Buddhism is not a “one step at a time” process. Each of the eight parts of the Eightfold Path supports all the other parts and should be pursued simultaneously. Every step integrates all the steps.
That said, most people begin by better understanding their own suffering, which takes us back to prajna — wisdom. Usually, meditation or other mindfulness practices are the means by which people begin to develop this understanding. As our self-delusions dissolve, we become more sensitive to the suffering of others. As we are more sensitive to the suffering of others, our self-delusions dissolve further.
Compassion for Yourself
After all this talk of selflessness, it may seem odd to end with by discussion compassion for oneself. But it’s important not to run away from our own suffering.
Pema Chodron said, “In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.” She writes that in Tibetan Buddhism there is a practice called tonglen which is a kind of meditation practice for helping us connect to our own suffering and the suffering of others.
“Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and, in the process, we become liberated from a very ancient prison of selfishness. We begin to feel love both for ourselves and others and also we being to take care of ourselves and others. It awakens our compassion and it also introduces us to a far larger view of reality. It introduces us to the unlimited spaciousness that Buddhists call shunyata. By doing the practice, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being.”
The suggested method for tonglen meditation varies from teacher to teacher, but it usually is a breath-based meditation in which the meditator visualizes taking in the pain and suffering of all other beings on each inhalation, and giving away our love, compassion, and joy to all suffering beings with each exhalation. When practiced with complete sincerity, it quickly becomes a profound experience, as the sensation is not one of symbolic visualization at all, but of literally transforming pain and suffering. A practitioner becomes aware of tapping into an endless well of love and compassion that is available not only to others but to ourselves. It is, therefore, a very good meditation to practice during times when you are most vulnerable yourself. Healing others also heals self, and the boundaries between self and other are seen for what they are—non-existent.”
Take a moment to think about your existence. You are floating on a rock in the vastness of empty space, you came out of a vagina portal and you are a talking monkey that has evolved to develop a weird squidgy brain thing.