I tried cryotherapy today which is basically putting a laser beam of minus 120 degrees on parts of the body to try and stimulate cell growth and in turn ease chronic pain and all sorts of issues. I don’t feel any difference and I most likely won’t be trying it again. Everything fails me. I’m done.
We walked and layed in the sun, it was good being with you, I just am screaming inside all the time and no one can hear the screams of panic and agony.
Everything just seems pointless and a waste of time.
I try and celebrate your birthday, just distant and sitting here alone, eating alone. Painful. I thought we could have quality time together all day, that’s the whole point of me being here isn’t it? I’ll be gone tomorrow. Why don’t you appreciate me when I’m here? I’m p
I don’t know anymore.
I can’t do what I want to do. I can’t do what I want to do and it is diving me inside.
I’m crying inside, no tears will fall, just blocked.
I feel sick, In physical and mental agony, stuck in hell, tired, drained, I have a constant headache.
I wish you would just sit down and be with me but I know you can’t.
I dread today, tomorrow, next week, everything. Every single moment I dread. Pure fear and dread.
I think I am fucked for life and the only way to end this is to do what I have to do. I’m running on empty, I’m going round in circles and I am utterly sick of it.
My whole being feels battered and bruised.
I’ve had enough now. Enough now.
Have a good life,
It’s sad it has to be this way. I thought we could be friends. I tried over and over again for our connection to work. I was scared, things are unstable and scatty. I just want peace between us.
Take care of yourself and elevate. Follow your soul path. I hope you discover your soul and grow and flourish into the man you are meant to be.
I’ll remember the beautiful moments we shared. The ceremony with the crows, the nights out, the love making and laughter. I’ll miss your smile and glassy blue eyes. I’ll miss your adventurous side. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss your smell. I’ll miss your laugh. I’ll miss observing you. I’ll miss your warm hugs. I’ll miss our spiritual discoveries. I’ll miss our cherry beers after work. I’ll miss feeling weird inside when I see you. I’ll miss being a part of your life. I’ll miss meeting you off the bus or train. I’ll miss your face. I’ve always wanted you in my life. I just couldn’t cope with the amount of pain I am dealing with and having our issues on top of that. I hope you understand.
I know you have been traumatised by your past and I hope therapy heals you.
The past is the past. It is done. The lessons are learnt. Yes, I was hurt and yes I was angry. But it is the past. The film clip played over and the tape is still running.
Your behaviour was not OK, we know this. Our pain also drowned us both. The reason I am writing this letter is because the truth is I am scared of you, the recklessness, not being mindful of my health and mind. I needed a friend to be listened to. I thought I would be protected when I felt the opposite was true. When I’m with you I don’t know how It will go. I am free. I am drained and worn out by your behaviour towards me. I don’t want to drag up the past, you know the truth of what happened. It could have been beautiful and I tried my best. I am angry and its natural to feel that way, It will go and fly away into oblivion on its natural cpurse
I wish we could be friends.
You were my crutch and I have to stand on my own two feet.
I know we caused each other pain, lost in our own issues. But I hope I helped you in some way dear soul.
You’ll be in my broken and weary heart that struggles to beat these days. Tears prick my sore and aching eyes.
I believe in you and wish you well. I hope you find peace in your mind, body and soul dear one. You will do great things in this world: to be a lightworkwer, to be a lyrical magician with your music, you will inspire many. Blessed.
Happy birthday for Thursday, thirty three years around the sun and many more. I will be at the pond on Thursday. Follow your heart and do what you feel is right.
Love is the answer, cheers.