SPIRITUALITY: Planetary Ascension & The Different Dimensions

“You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.
Rod Serling


People are waking up. How many times have you heard this in 2018 year? Not only have I heard it, I have seen it! So many people who, just in 2017, arguing with me about the confines of their limited, dark, oppressive reality completely rejected that notion in 2018, and began to entertain the sorts of interesting and unique spiritual/scientific concepts that opened new worlds for them. I’ve been waking up…for many years now, since 1999. It’s been one heck of a journey. Along the way, I’ve encountered a lot of really wild, mind-bending, deep down the rabbit hole experiences that have assisted me on this journey. One of my most consistent go to resources, had been a text called A Course in Miracles (ACIM). You’ll notice I reference it a lot, as this text is the foundation of my Christ centered spiritual belief system.
But…that’s just me, and the tool I use to navigate my personal awakening, which was a long time coming. I wrote an entire book about the experience, because I, like a lot of people, thrashed around for quite some time, in the dark, completely unaware consciousness, of how to access the spiritual side of myself. My book, The Way Through, Lessons Learned in Life, Love and the Journey, was my attempt to provide a spiritual roadmap, for others who felt lost in the way I was. Honestly, in promoting my book, I learned that there are actually a lot of people, spiritually lost and confused, in those darker, heavier emotions, just as I was, and for similar reasons. Trauma, primarily, is one of the reasons people are become so lost and stuck in these heavier emotions.


But that’s been changing! Where I once was used to dealing with those who were lost and really struggling to find their way, even with my assistance, I am instead seeing people, wake up and get it, after only a few conversations.


So what’s up? What is going on? It’s really exiting stuff to see! But what exactly is happening? It depends on who you ask, what particular source of knowledge they are relying on to describe the phenomenon and how skilled they happen to be at putting this phenomenon into useful words or concepts.


But, I think it’s safe to say that we are living through a time of extraordinary transition. I think that it’s difficult for most of us, living our ordinary lives, in very traditional ordinary human ways, to grasp the magnitude and the scope of this transition…but for starters, it is global. I think that we can all agree on that. The entire world is in a state of transition. And so, to this end, one of the most useful concepts I’ve come across that could possibly explain what is happening is this idea of planetary ascension.


Planetary ascension refers to the idea that the planet — this entire planet, referred to as earth or Gaia, that we humans reside on — is changing. There are those who believe that it is moving into another dimension. The planetary ascension theory provides that the earth, (an organic being in it’s own right) is having it’s own spiritual experience by which it is moving from a dense low vibrating, low frequency third dimensional reality into a lighter, higher vibrating, high frequency fifth dimensional reality.


That’s quite a concept! Quite a bit of information to wrap ones head around. It’s not just the people who are changing…but the entire earth! If you really take a minute to consider it, if you can accept the idea that all organic things have consciousness, at some level, then you may be able to entertain this concept.


The earth is undoubtedly this vast organic thing…primarily water, that has been mercilessly polluted by its human inhabitants which must seem (to the earth) like a really irritating and annoying species of mites or ticks, always digging and prodding and polluting, and interrupting harmonious natural cycles, that have been running for billions of years.


If the earth is a living, breathing organism (and honestly, if you really think about it, why wouldn’t it be?), it can’t be too happy about the way it has been exploited, mercilessly, by humans. And…if it decided it was going to move to another dimension, well there would be nothing that humans could do to stop it, now could it? And, if humans wanted to survive that ascension process, it would clearly be in their best interest to find a way to ascend with the earth, in other words, to evolve…spiritually.


So, that’s the theory. Whether you choose to entertain it, or not is entirely up to you. As for me? I’m not sure if that’s what is happening, right now, in this space or time. But, I have to admit, these are strange, strange days. So I entertain all sorts of ideas, even the ones that are almost beyond human understanding — and I think the earth having its own free will and consciousness, is one of those kinds of ideas.

Will they ever wake up? New study on consciousness after brain injury shows  'maybe'


But, for the sake of argument and expansion, let’s go with it. Let’s assume that it’s true. The earth is moving from the 3rd dimension to the 5th dimension, how does this play out? And what does it mean for the humans…and all other living things, that are on the planet?


Well…we have at least two choices…we can evolve with the planet, into it’s fifth dimensional state…or we can stay in 3D, if that is in option. Exactly how, people and the planet are going to move from one dimension to another- and more importantly when, is critical information that we’d all like to have. But when you start digging around in search of details for how the people and the planet are going to move into a higher dimension, or when , for that matter, the theories diverge into a lot of different parallels. A lot of different (and often scary) players get mentioned and some times there are references to wars: actual, spiritual and galactic ones. To be quite honest, going down all these different rabbit holes can get a little spooky. If you’re a newbie to these concepts, I recommend that you go slow. In order to get a really basic explanation of Ascension 101, I highly recommend, The Energetic Synthesis website.


New Age Writers, Higher Self and The Channelers

Where do these theories of planetary ascension even come from? I discovered them via, a variety of new age writers and theorists, many of whom happen to be channelers of non physical entities. Elkhart Tolle, is probably one of the more famous authors to speak to this concept. In his book, A New Earth, he introduces the idea of planetary ascension, in purely spiritual terms. There was also James Redfield’s, The Celestine Prophecy, which was a truly delightful allegory regarding planetary ascension.
I have also stumbled upon a You Tube Channel, known as Higher Self. Higher Self is a collective of sorts that hosts a lot of far, far, far to the left, progressive spiritual ideas, that will often (I am not kidding) take you entirely off the planet, into other galaxies and star systems via channelers. I mentioned the channelers in my article, Exiting the Time Space Continuum. Higher Self is the only really centralized place, I’ve found, where you can access an abundance of channeled information. Many of these channelers claim to be channeling beings that I suppose we would refer to as beings from planets and star systems already inhabiting these higher dimensions, that our dear Gaia is in striving to reach.


And…if you have never encountered these ideas, I know it sounds absolutely nuts. We humans like to believe that we are the only thinking, speaking, feeling, sentient beings in our galaxy, because if there are aliens, surely we would have made contact with them by now…certainly, with all our grand technology. Right?


Except…perhaps maybe…space, the universe, all these galaxies…perhaps their expansion is not physical…perhaps traveling to meet and greet extra terrestrials is not a matter of physical space, but rather a matter of spiritual mind.


Remember what Rod Serling said? You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. Many of those among us, who identify as Star Seed, are claiming to have telepathic communications, as well as actual visitations, with benevolent extra terrestrials, who are assisting our planet with the ascension process…okay, that’s a bit much to take in on a basic introduction to the concept of ascension, so we will circle back to that at a later time.


The Dimensions
Okay…so let’s move on to the dimensions. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that there are different dimensions. Let’s accept what the channelers are telling us, and entertain the idea of a 3rd, 4th, 5th and even 6th dimension. Let’s assume that Gaia herself is on the way from the third to the fifth dimension. How is the planet going to make that trip?
Most humans on this planet, occupy the third dimension. As a result, the earth itself, occupies the third dimension. But, if the planet itself decided that it wanted to occupy a higher dimension, what would it have to do to get there? Let’s go back to that deeply mysterious Nikola Tesla quote:
“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”


I suppose that the earth would change its vibration…the way it thinks, the way it feels, as thoughts and feelings emit a certain vibration. The earth actually does have a vibration…it’s called the schumann resonance. The schumann resonance refers to the frequency of the electromagnetic field of the earth (also colloquially referred to as the earth’s heartbeat). The past few years the schumann residence has been spiking. Those who believe in the planetary ascension theory, believe that these spikes in the resonance are a part of the earth’s ascension process. The above link is to an article that is explaining that phenomenon. I don’t know enough about science to know whether, the issue being raised regarding the resonance are valid or not; but I think that the fact that the resonance is typically around 7 hz, and has been spiking as high as 50 hz, is concerning, no matter what you believe! A change that drastic has to be effecting the planet in some way, right? Maybe what is going on with the resonance is affecting how we are experiencing time. In Exiting the Time Space Continuum, I noted that, everyone I know, and even national news anchors, are complaining about strange things going on with time. It seems to be speeding up. Time speeds up when objects move faster, and so…maybe the earth is moving faster……in short ascending. The planetary ascension theory claims that the earth is moving from the 3rd dimension to the 5th dimension. It’s difficult for me to conceive of what this exactly means for the earth. Elkhart Tolle predicted, in his book: A New Earth, that the vast spiritual awakening occurring among humans would be the impetus, for a new, more peaceful, more harmonious new earth. Therefore, maybe planetary ascension, is connected to personal ascension. The macro is connected to the micro. This seems like it would be especially true if, there really is no earth. Maybe, all there is, holding together space and time and the illusion of matter is consciousness.


Illusory Reality
In Exiting the Time Space Continuum, I tried to explain how there is actually no such thing as time. I can barely get that concept to make any sense to me, much less anyone else out there grappling with it. But the illusory nature of time is a consistent concept presented in ACIM, and apparently, understanding the illusory nature of time is important to understanding these higher level spiritual principals contained in ACIM, so I persist in trying to grasp them.


One of the things that you need to accept, (if you are student of ACIM, consciousness, quantum physics and and entertaining the idea of different dimensions ) is that reality — is not actually real. And what I mean when I say real — I mean a sure, solid thing, fixed in a certain space…in a certain time. That’s just not so. As the physicists study matter…breaking matter down into it’s smallest pieces…what they find is that matter is mostly empty space. There’s nothing really there…which is a really weird concept, in and of itself…that there’s nothing really there.


All that ever gives matter the illusion of being there, is what scientists refer to as the “observer.” If the observer believes that a solid surface is where they are observing — the surface in fact becomes solid. The attention the observer gives to the illusory object, secures its solid state, that the observer can then interact with. But “reality” as we experience is all illusory. So what holds it together?


Well that is quite the philosophical question…I think, therefore I am. If you ask a quantum physicists, they can go into long explanations regarding why our human experience is an illusion that each mind is creating. What the Bleep Do We Know is a film that explains from a really dumbed down quantum physicists perspective, just why and how this is so. It is all very strange (that our reality is illusory) but based on sub-atomic studies, apparently, very, very true!


What seems to hold our illusory reality together in the way we experience it, are our thoughts, our emotions, our beliefs about it. And these may seem like fairly simple straightforward things, but they are not. These energetic structures, thoughts, emotions, beliefs and how they blend together to form entire belief systems have been perfected and honed over thousands and thousands of years. As a result, the various belief systems on the planet Gaia are fairly complex entities, in their own right. These belief systems completely define the confines of human life (and other life) as we know it. Into this reality, we are born and we live for a time ( a very short time) and then we die. But not without experiencing an astounding number of limitations in this experience, primarily the limitations created by time and space and matter, no matter how illusory!


But that is changing…and quickly. These belief systems are being tested, and they are not withstanding the tests…they are breaking down, almost all of them…belief systems that are, thousands and thousands of years old, just don’t have the same hold over the human mind that they once did. As a result, the nature of the illusory reality we all experience has been shifting, constantly, at least over the past 2000 years, but the past 200 has seen changes of an exponential nature. Too many changes, almost, for a limited mind to even conceive of, but, if you consider the way in which people were living, as little as 200 years ago, you’re talking about an entirely different reality, than most people are experiencing now. And these changes, a long with the speed at which they are happening, are transforming the nature of the illusory reality that has been agreed upon for at least the last 2000 years!


The reality of old cannot withstand, all of the extraordinary degree of change that has occurred during the past 200 years. Therefore, the reality we’ve known is shifting, fluctuating, breaking down…and, even the earth itself is being affected.


The 3D Reality
So let’s refer to the current illusory reality as a 3D reality. What’s that like? Well, for the past 2000 or so years, it seems that we humans have occupied a dense, three dimensional reality where objects are held fixed in time and space. The earth, is one such object, fixed in space and time, with all sorts of animate and inanimate objects upon it, also fixed in space and time. We are able to manipulate these three dimensional objects utilizing energy and space and time. For quite some time, the earth has been a very solid, three-dimensional reality.


But there is a belief that our 3D reality (often referred to in new age spiritual circles as a grid) is “collapsing” or disintegrating. This collapse could explain the Mandela Effect, it would also explain the odd experiences with the space/time continuum. Time seems to be moving much faster now…and so, there has to be an impact on space as well. Time and space are in some kind of weird relationship, that also involves light. Einstein figured all that energy, equals mass times light. That whole equation was the beginning of reality bending onto itself, in ways most people don’t understand. As for the Mandela Effect, well that’s a really weird phenomenon, where things that clearly should be fixed in space and time, are no longer. Largely they are insignificant things, names of corporations, corporate logos, silly phrases in pop culture…”life is like a box a chocolates or life was like a box of chocolates” you tell me. Whichever it is, (some swear t was the former, others swear it was the latter) it’s a small thing. But some times these changes extend to more significant things: important historical events, and even large structures contained in various geographical locations. Google the mandela effect, and the Statue of Liberty…you will find some odd things occurring indeed, depending on which reality you seem to remember.


Generally, in our 3 dimensional reality, time and space and matter have a lot of rules. These rules are all about limitation. They are not about bending and manipulating the reality to one’s own will. In fact, in our 3 dimensional reality, we all understand that it is impossible, to one day walk down a well known street in Washington DC, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and find that the Statue of Liberty is there, occupying the space in front of the White House. Surely, we would have heard of such a drastic move of this huge landmark from one very specific place, to quite another. Even more disturbing yet, would be to be told that the Statue of Liberty has always been in front of the White House and it was never in New York. This is something that would cause most of us to question the very nature of our reality. And yet, these are the kinds of incidents popping up and being labeled as the Mandela effect. How to explain it? This is usually impossible in our typical 3D reality, because that reality has rules and limits. Huge national landmarks simply cannot move from one space in time and manifest out of thin air in another- they certainly cannot have always been there, because that breaks the rules of time in a way that most of us simply cannot conceive of.


But…certainly it could happen, if there were no such thing as time…
In a 3D reality, which is best thought of as being dense and slow, nothing moves at the speed of thought, and it certainly cannot ignore the rules of space and time. You can’t simply think of something and bring it into a solid, dense physical existence immediately — without a time lag; and you certainly can’t claim the thing has always been there…when millions of souls insist that it has not…can you?


Those who believe in the power of manifestation, believe that the lag time in manifestation is a critical as the 3D reality is a training ground for the power of the mind. For, the mind is very powerful…it never loses it’s create force, but in order to have instant manifestation abilities, the human must learn how to responsibly control thoughts and emotions, so as not to be unnecessarily reckless in their manifestation abilities. I mean if people were capable of manifesting a machine gun, at the very moment they felt angry enough to kill, the object of their irritation, can you imagine the sort of violence and carnage, we’d have to live with, on the 3D plane? And it’s not like we don’t have our fair share of that to contend with already. There are rules here, I suspect the purpose of the 3D rules is to slow down destructive mentalities.

Scientists identify brain patterns associated with consciousness - Science  in the News


As it stands in the 3D realm, most minds operate in a semi-conscious, very low vibrational states; and the 3D manifestations that we do have, are evident of that. The limitation of the 3D paradigm leads to fear, lack and scarcity, programming and that creates all of the horrible (albeit illusory images) that we believe we our witnessing in our 3D world, things like: war, murder, terror, rape, pedophilia, greed, corruption. If I am to believe my ACIM lessons — I have to accept that none of it is real. Instead, these are horrible, nightmarish illusions that we have created on planet Gaia, (earth) which is operating like a huge human holodeck, based on our thoughts and emotions.


But this is a time of transition. Great awakening, even. And to that end, it is quite possible that the 3D laws of limit have been lifted! Time, space and matter are no longer limited in the ways that they have been. Our thoughts and emotions are no longer limited in the ways that they have been. So many humans are losing interest in the thoughts and emotions that lead to rules, and structures that are all about limitations. People are now using their thoughts, emotions quite differently. This is changing the way humans are perceiving reality, and perhaps that new perception even extends to the planet.
And so many souls are moving out of the 3D matrix, via a number of various mechanisms. For me, the movement out of the 3D reality had occurred through my study of A Course in Miracles…but I believe there are a number of ways out. So many people are oscillating between 3D and 4D, that we’ve actually created a bridge. I’ve been on that 4D bridge..and I know what it’s like. But, I haven’t been able to stay there. What’s up with that?
The Fourth Dimension is a Bridge

Have you ever met someone for whom things, just always seem to work out? No matter what happens to them in life, they bounce back! Almost immediately. They get fired from a great job…that’s fine. They get an even better one! This is a person who, (albeit accidentally) has figured out how to permanently reside in the 4th dimension.
There are people who permanently reside in the Fourth Dimension among us. I have a good friend who is one of them. She grew up on a tiny Caribbean island, in abject poverty, but in her 20s, immigrated to the United States, where her life took a financial turn for the better. She’s well over 50, but looks and acts about 20. She technically has no formal career, but lives a very exciting life, traveling all over the world, usually in luxury accommodations. She does as she pleases, and is usually a very happy individual, within herself, as well as with almost everyone she encounters. This is someone who, as far as I can tell, has taken up permanent residence in the 4th dimension.


What is her secret? Honestly? It’s simply that she rarely permits a negative, unloving thought to enter her mind. Never. And that’s it. It’s not any more complicated than that. But…that is extremely complicated, really. Especially for those of us who have incorporated years, centuries, maybe even millennia of limited, lack and scarcity programming deep into our DNA. For many of us it is ingrained into the fabric of who we are. Changing this is as simple…but also as complex, as changing one’s mind. That’s what had been happening! All over the planet! At an alarming rate!
The Fourth dimension is a state of mind. Either an extraordinarily peaceful or positive one. It is connected to the third dimension, it is almost right on top of the third dimension. It shares space and time with the third dimension…and yet, it’s almost an entirely different experience than the third dimension.


People who are involved in spiritual practices can experience this fourth dimension, intermittently. Seemingly it comes and goes. I’ve heard it described as a glimpse. Those involved in these spiritual experiences, can tell you about the glimpse where everything is going just right, in perfect harmony, where it is nearly impossible to feel ill at ease, within oneself…within the world. It is a glimpse into an entirely different dimension, where most humans, deeply attached to their lack and limited 3D programming cannot reside with any degree of permanency.


It’s really difficult for those of us who have had difficult life experiences to get to this state of mind, much less keep it. Staying in the fourth dimension is difficult because so much of our state of mind is shaped by the experiences that we have at a very young age, in the 3rd dimension, and these experiences were traumatic. So for those of us who have experienced trauma early in life, our ability to reach the fourth dimension is highly compromised. Trauma, especially early trauma in life, writes programs on the body and brain that essentially locks one into the 3D structures. The deeper the trauma, the tighter the lock. In my book, The Way Through, I explain how a severe trauma that hit me roughly through the ages of 10–13, kept me in a particularly corrupt sort of 3D programming for the next 20 years! 20 years I suffered from excruciating depression, because I suppressed that trauma.


It was only through my study of ACIM, that I was able to release and heal from that trauma. In order to do that, I had to do something that I once thought was impossible, forgive the person who had caused this deep trauma. That forgiveness would not have been possible without my study of ACIM.


So, I’ve written of my experiences with the 4th dimension. It took me years of spiritual study of A Course in Miracles, before I could successfully get the glimpse…but last year, in 2018, that 4D bridge blast an awesome path, right in front of me! I was able to stay on it, for larger amounts of time than ever before. It was an amazing experience.


But…at the same time, I had some really severe and hard drops back down into 3D…and these 3D experiences were pretty intense, even frightening. The 3D programming, is an energy that is getting quite desperate, by its imminent demise. So it’s working really hard to pull people off of that bridge, and pull them off of the 4D bridge, back on to the 3D reality.
Will it work? Honestly? At this point, it’s entirely up to you. Spiritually, as a species, we are at a crossroads. We have to make a choice. As we move forward, energetically, if we want to say on that bridge, we have to make a choice, and the choice has to be love. It also has to be forgiveness, which, in other circles will be referred to as clearing. You have to clear out the old, dark, dense energies, and the programing (thoughts and feelings) that fuels those limited 3D experiences..


If you can do that…you will not only get to stay on the 4D bridge…you may actually get to cross it! So what is on the other side of that bridge? You guessed it! The Fifth Dimension.


The Fifth Dimension is Heaven on Earth

What is the Fifth dimension like? I have no idea. I can’t say that I’ve ever experienced anything beyond the fourth, and quite honestly, the fourth dimension is enough of an elevation away from the third dimension to satisfy me.


But the Fifth dimension is said to be a state of heaven on earth, where everything you need, and everything you ever thought you could want, will manifest instantly. Can you imagine? Think of that often quoted bible verse, about all of the perfect treasures in your father’s (or mother’s) house, stored up just for you. Can you imagine it? Someone who knows you and loves you so deeply, that they can conjure up rooms and rooms full of perfect things, or better yet, perfect experiences that would allow you to enjoy life to your absolutely fullest! For you to be able to indulge in your very best, very creative pursuits, to be perfectly aligned with people who want to experience these pursuits with you? Can you begin to imagine a world like this? A world where no one is limited in anyway…and everyone is completely free to be their very best, physical, mental and spiritual self?

Can you imagine a world where people are interacting with one another, in such a way? A world where the fear, lack and scarcity programming does not exist. Can you imagine the kind of beauty this world would hold?


It’s really hard to imagine, because, residing in 3D, we are so far away from such a dimension, at this time. But doesn’t it sound lovely? Better yet, doesn’t it sound possible, if everyone residing in such a dimension were to come from a place of pure love?


Most of us don’t experience miracles in our every day reality, even though, according to ACIM, miracles arise from a miraculous state of mind, or a state of miracle readiness.


In order to reside in that Fifth dimension, a miraculous state of mind is needed, and that mind is one of pure love and unity-consciousness. These are the concepts to be tackled next!”

Source: https://medium.com/the-door-to-the-4th-dimension-and-other-mysterious/planetary-ascension-and-the-different-dimensions-8659910e9fa3

25/06/20: A Few Trips & An Update, A Message To A Shaman

“Hi,

I tried coming off the main pharmaceutical I am on, Pregabalin, reducing the dose was truly awful. I felt on edge, reverted back to the state I was in before taking Pregabalin (a scared, traumatised girl), wanted to lay on the local train tracks, suicidal, body pain, flat mood and feeling like a ghost, panicky, delirious, possible psychosis, really distressed mind and my partner was worried about me immensely; he said I looked distraught, as if someone had died and he didn’t recognise “me”. I was a wreck. I went back to my normal dosage of 400mg 4 days later. I don’t know how I will come off these or even live to see the day. I will get in contact with my doctor to see if there is any help out there with coming off the medications, or at least one or reducing some. However, as you know, due to the coronavirus it’s all online and there’s a big lack of support. I am too unstable to come off these medications alone. Ideally, I would like to be put in a wellbeing centre (that doesn’t exsist yet and is something I would like to create) and be under the care of people who are spiritually aware, compassionate, supportive and also scientifically qualified to aid me. For now, I will look into options to help me come off these pills but I will have to stay on them until then because I am not safe to come off them.

At the moment I have no idea what is happening to me. I feel so alone in the pain and misery of my reality, as if everyone else is in a different dimension (heaven) and me purgatory/hell. I am scared of being left alone in the dark and everyone around me fading away. I’m highly suicidal because of all this pain, I honestly planned my suicide this week.. Body pains crippling me, unstable mind, not being able to communicate how I feel always due to the medications and stress numbing my brain, making me slur and not recollect words. It’s miserable for me as I value my intelligence very much, I thrive off knowledge and learning. I feel dead, numb, emotionally numb, on edge, flat. I can’t sleep well even with sleeping pills and the herb. I really have no clue as to where I am headed and what to do. Paralysation. I don’t now how I do it and still manage to laugh and smile, but behind lies a desperate girl looking for help, who is distraught and wailing a well of tears of pain. Every day is HELL. I can’t even begin to describe how awful my reality is. It’s like being on a heavy drug come down every day, absolute hell. When someone says “you seem better now”, it’s really me just being better at faking looking and acting “normal.”

Yesterday I was lucky enough to participate in multiple 5-MEO-DMT trips. Each trip lasted around ten minutes. I have been advised by certain people to stay away from psychedelics.. but they may by an aid in helping me. I’ve had a fear around psychedelics after fearing they may have caused me problems from past experiences, around a year and a half ago. But as I took my first hit from the pipe, I had faced my fear. However the first trip was just DMT (The Spirit Molecule) not 5-MEO-DMT (The God Molecule) and I got a rather dark trip, I turned into sewage and melted into the sofa, all the African masks in our apartment came out at me, reality melted, I saw many geometrical patterns and my body felt disgusting. The reason being I believe was because I had two beers the night before and I am not good with alcohol at all, it has taken me three days to recover from two gluten free beers. I felt the beer as poison in my lower stomach and it has put me off alcohol all together, it’s made me not want to touch it again generally. The four other trips were done outside in the sun, in nature, with fellow soul searchers, I felt 5-MEO-DMT to have a spirit that is a feminine, warm loving energy, it poured forth loving energy, I asked the question what is the answer to my healing and love was poured on me, love is the answer and what I need, not pharmaceuticals, I felt an only slight peace for the first time in two years, I saw an anaconda wrapping it’s way around reality, “I” saw DNA strands. I felt like different areas of my brain had been re-wired, more clarity, I could see slightly better, like the defintion of my eyes had been altered and upgraded slightly, but not much after-effect other than that. I couldn’t fully go into the trip as I was conscious of people around me talking and it interfered and distracted me. My partner saw the matrix of our reality with grid lines and geometrical patterns. I’d like to do a big journey soon involving Ayahuasca or high dose DMT to go ask the question about how I go about healing because I feel I have nothing to lose, I am desperate for help and plants have always called me. I believe these plants can help raise human consciousness and increase awareness of the true nature of reality. I’m looking into doing a mushroom trip with my partner soon potentially…

Have you ever delved into DMT land?

I realise my whole life has been a lie, I knew this but now know on a deep level. It’s very strange, bizarre and unusual times..

Thanks for aiding me in seeing what might be of help,
Speak soon & take care,
Amber”

Humanity’s Shadow

We are dealing with a worldwide existential crisis.

What we are seeing now is humanity’s collective shadow manifesting itself.

We can’t run and we can’t hide.

The world is a reflection of what is going on inside you.

If you want peace in this world we have to start with ourselves and make our bed.

The power has been with you all along.

Those who you think have power only have power because you have projected it onto them.

This matrix is a joke. This matrix is fake. The curtains are falling. What are you going to do?

Shadow GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

Applying The Art Of War By Sun Tzu To Our Current Matrix Reality & “Them”

The two principles of the Art Of War:

  1. Distraction – where we are focused is a distraction.
  2. To know your enemy and not let them know you. If you know each other it’s more equal. “They” know us through social media, data collection, etc. It’s a simple win.
The Art of War (Running Press Miniatures): Amazon.co.uk: Sawyer, Ralph:  9780762415984: Books

PHARMACEUTICALS: What Is Viagra?

Overview
Sildenafil is a common medication used to stimulate erections in men with erectile dysfunction (ED) and treat certain heart conditions. Its most commonly known form is Viagra.

Many factors can influence how long Viagra takes to start working. In general, Viagra takes about 30 minutes to produce noticeable effects. But your diet, your overall health, the medications you’re taking, underlying conditions, and much more can all affect the amount of time Viagra takes to work in your body and how long it lasts.

How does it work?
An erection happens when nerves in your penis are stimulated. Then, muscles around two cylinder-shaped chambers of spongy material along your penis, known as the corpus cavernosa, relax and allow blood to flow in, causing an erection.

With ED, your nerves don’t communicate properly with your brain and blood doesn’t flow properly into the corpus cavernosa. Taking Viagra relaxes the walls of your blood vessels and lets blood flow more easily into the parts of your penis that cause an erection.

How long does it take to start working?
Viagra normally starts working 30–60 minutes after you take it in oral tablet form. It may take up to two hours to work.

Viagra doesn’t work on its own. You’ll still need to feel sexually aroused to get an erection. Feeling relaxed and comfortable can also help Viagra take effect sooner.

How long does it last?
On average, Viagra usually lasts between two and three hours before its effects start to diminish. Viagra can last up to five hours or longer depending on your dosage, your body’s metabolism, and other external factors.

Depending on how your body metabolizes it, you may be able to get an erection several times with Viagra in your body. Viagra probably won’t make you last longer in bed, though. No research has proven definitively that Viagra can increase how long you can have sex.

Viagra may not work again immediately after you’ve had sex. Normally, you can’t get another erection right after ejaculating because your body isn’t physiologically prepared for it. This is known as the refractory period. It may only last a few minutes, but it can last as long as a few hours or days.

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Can any factors affect how long it lasts?
Several important factors can influence how long Viagra lasts for you:

Dosage. The amount of Viagra you take affects how long it stays in your system. The smallest available 25-milligram (mg) dose won’t last as long as the largest available 100-mg dose. But taking a higher dose isn’t always recommended, as it may not be safe for you.
Age. As you get older, your metabolism slows down. Thus, Viagra may last longer as you age. In general, you may notice Viagra works for a longer period when you’re 65 or older.
Diet. Eating a large meal or a lot of high-fat foods right before you take Viagra can keep it from being metabolized quickly or effectively. But this can also make it last longer as it’s metabolized along with your meal. Drinking alcohol can also decrease blood flow to your penis, making Viagra less effective or shorter-lasting.
Medications. Some medications, especially antibiotics such as erythromycin (Ery-Tab), clarithromycin (Biaxin), and ciprofloxacin (Cipro), can interact with Viagra and affect how long it lasts.
Overall health. Certain existing conditions can affect how long Viagra lasts and how well it works for you. Diabetes, nervous system conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS), and heart conditions like atherosclerosis (fat buildup in your blood vessels) can all make Viagra less effective and not last as long. Some kidney conditions may make Viagra last longer because of the condition’s effect on your metabolism.
Psychological state. Feeling anxious, nervous, depressed, or stressed can all influence how your body responds to sexual stimulation. If you’re not relaxed or comfortable during sex, or if you have performance anxiety because of past sexual experiences, Viagra may not last long or be fully effective.

How long does it take to leave my system?
Viagra usually leaves your system after two to three hours. Depending on your metabolism, Viagra can take five to six hours to fully leave your system.

A higher dosage will take longer to leave your body. A 25-mg dose may wear off after a couple of hours, but a 100-mg dose may take nearly four times as long to leave your system.

Is there anything I should be concerned about?
Viagra often lasts for a few hours. You won’t normally have an erection the entire time, as Viagra is only used to help increase blood flow. If you don’t think Viagra is working fast enough, try masturbation or foreplay to help stimulate arousal.

If Viagra doesn’t work after 30 minutes, don’t take any more than the daily dose that your doctor prescribed. This can cause priapism, a painful erection that lasts longer than four hours. This can damage penis tissue because blood stored in the penis isn’t receiving any oxygen. Get emergency treatment right away if this happens.

When to see your doctor
Talk to your doctor before you take Viagra or any related medication for ED. It’s important to take a safe dose and work out a clear understanding of how much you should take in a 24-hour period.

Some medications for heart conditions, such as nitroglycerin and other nitrates, can interact dangerously with Viagra and cause your blood pressure to drop.

If Viagra isn’t working or isn’t safe for you, talk to your doctor about other possible treatments for ED, such as:

-penis pumps
-penile implants
-exercises
-therapy for anxiety, depression, or other similar conditions

PHONE ADDICTION

“Cell phones have become such powerful and versatile tools that, for many people, they feel literally indispensable.

In fact, it’s easy to feel like you’re the one who’s lost when you can’t find your phone. So, how do you know whether your attachment to your phone is just a 21st century cultural phenomenon or a genuine, life-altering addiction?

To figure out the answer, let’s take a look at what current research has to say. Also, we’ll take a closer look at the symptoms of phone overuse, the side effects, and how to break the hold your phone may have on your daily life.


Is cell phone addiction really a thing?
Pew Research Center reports that 81 percent of Americans now own smartphones — up from just 35 percent in 2011. And, over the past 5 years, Google Trends indicates that searches for “cell phone addiction” have likewise been rising.

And pathological phone use has given rise to a raft of new terminology, such as:

-nomophobia: the fear of going without your phone
-textaphrenia: the fear that you can’t send or receive texts
-phantom vibrations: the feeling that your phone is alerting you when it really isn’t
There’s little doubt that excessive cell phone use is a problem for lots of people.

But there’s some debate among medical and mental health professionals about whether problematic cell phone use is truly an addiction or the result of an impulse control issue.



Many medical experts are reluctant to assign the word “addiction” to anything other than habitual substance misuse.

However, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the handbook used in the medical community to diagnose mental disorders) does recognize one behavioral addiction: compulsive gambling.

It’s worth noting that there are some important similarities between cell phone overuse and behavioral addictions like compulsive gambling. The similarities include:

-loss of control over the behavior
-persistence, or having real difficulty limiting the behavior
tolerance, the need to engage in the behavior more often to get the same feeling
-severe negative consequences stemming from the behavior
-withdrawal, or feelings of irritability and anxiety when the behavior isn’t practiced
-relapse, or picking up the habit again after periods of avoidance
SUMMARY
There’s some debate in the medical community as to whether phone overuse is an addiction or impulse control issue.

There are, however, a lot of similarities between phone overuse and other behavioral addictions, like compulsive gambling.

The dopamine connection
And there’s another similarity between behavioral addiction and cell phone overuse: the triggering of a chemical in the brain that reinforces the compulsive behavior.



Your brain contains several pathways that transmit a feel-good chemical called dopamine when you’re in rewarding situations. For many people, social interaction stimulates the release of dopamine.

Because so many people use their phones as tools of social interaction, they become accustomed to constantly checking them for that hit of dopamine that’s released when they connect with others on social media or some other app.

App programmers are counting on that drive to keep you checking your phone. Some apps even withhold and release social reinforcements, such as “likes” and “comments,” so we receive them in an unpredictable pattern. When we can’t predict the pattern, we check our phones more often.

That cycle can lead to a tipping point: when your phone ceases to be something you enjoy and becomes something you’re virtually compelled to use.

SUMMARY
Your brain releases a chemical called dopamine when it feels rewarded.

Some phone apps are designed in a way to keep you coming back again and again for positive social reinforcements that can trigger the release of dopamine in your brain.


Who is at greatest risk?

What researchers do agree on is the fact that adolescents are more likely to demonstrate addiction-like symptoms with their cell phone use than other age groups.

Studies show that cell phone use peaks during the teen years and gradually declines thereafter.

Excessive cell phone use among teens is so common that 33 percent of 13-year-olds never turn off their phone, day or night. And the younger a teen acquires a phone, the more likely they are to develop problematic use patterns.

For girls, dependent use patterns may develop because phones become important tools of social interaction, whereas boys demonstrate a greater tendency to use phones in risky situations.



SUMMARY
Teenagers tend to overuse their phones more than other age groups. Studies show the earlier a teen starts using a phone, the higher the risk of problematic use patterns.

Who else is at risk?

A review of the available research revealed that several personality traits and conditions have been associated with problematic cell phone use.

These personality traits include:

-low self-esteem
-low impulse control
-anxiety
-depression
-being highly extroverted
Researchers point out it’s not always clear whether the problems with cell phone overuse are causing these conditions, or whether the conditions themselves make people more vulnerable to overuse.


Symptoms of phone addiction
So, how can you tell if you have an overuse problem with your phone?

Some of the telltale signs include the following:

-You reach for your phone the moment you’re alone or bored.
-You wake up multiple times at night to check your phone.
-You feel anxious, upset, or short-tempered when you can’t get to your phone.
-Your phone use has caused you to have an accident or injury.
-You’re spending more and more time using your phone.
-Phone use interferes with your job performance, schoolwork, or relationships.
-People in your life are concerned about your phone use patterns.
-When you try to limit your use, you relapse quickly.


What are the side effects of phone addiction?
One of the hallmarks of any addiction is keeping up the compulsive behavior, even when it can cause severe negative consequences.

Take, for example, the risks associated with texting while driving. The Centers for Disease Control and PreventionTrusted Source report that texting while driving is a triple threat, because it causes you to take:

-your eyes off the road
-your hands off the wheel
-your mind off driving
That kind of distraction kills nine people every single day. It also injures many more.

The dangers of using a cell phone while driving are widely known, yet people ignore the risk in pursuit of the small jolt of connectedness a phone provides.

Other consequences
ResearchTrusted Source has shown that people who overuse cell phones may experience:

anxiety
depression
sleep deficits and insomnia
relationship conflicts
poor academic or work performance
That list doesn’t take into account the many ways cell phone compulsions subtly affect your life.

One studyTrusted Source showed, for example, that your ability to concentrate on important job-related tasks is “significantly disrupted” by phone notifications, even if you don’t interact with your phone.


How to break the addiction

If your phone habits are interfering with your health, relationships, and responsibilities, it might be time to make some changes.

The good news is that there are steps you can take to change the way you interact with your phone to help limit the negative impacts on your life.

First, find out if there are underlying worries
ResearchersTrusted Source believe that people who compulsively use cell phones may be trying to avoid issues in their lives that feel too difficult or complicated to resolve.

So, one of the first things to consider is whether there’s something deeper bothering you. Resolving the underlying issue could be the key to reducing your anxiety.

Knowing what’s truly bothering you could help reduce your need to compulsively text, buy, pin, tweet, swipe, or post.

Consider cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
This therapeutic approach helps illuminate the links between your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. It can be a very effective type of therapy to help you change certain behavior patterns.

At least one small study suggests that CBT may be effective in balancing changes in brain chemistry associated with cell phone addiction.

If you think this type of therapy may help you, talk with your primary care doctor about where or how you can find a therapist.

Try these other practical steps
-Remove time-consuming apps from your phone and access them through a device you don’t carry with you all day.
-Change your settings to eliminate push notifications and other disruptive alerts.
-Set your screen to gray scale to keep it from waking you at night.
-Place some barriers around your phone use that force you to think about what you’re doing. For example, you could create lock screen questions, like “Why now?” and “What for?”
-Keep your phone out of sight. Charge your phone somewhere besides your bedroom.
-Develop hobbies that feed your soul. Replace the games and social media apps with hands-on, real-world activities, like meeting up with friends, creating music or art, or doing volunteer work.
-Adopt a growth mindset. Brief relapses, adjustments, and withdrawal symptoms are part of a journey toward healthier phone use. Don’t expect to get it right immediately. Expect some setbacks, and learn from each experience.
When to seek help
It’s always OK to reach out for help when you’re dealing with any issue that concerns you, or that you feel you don’t have control over.

If you’re noticing symptoms of addiction or dependence, or if the people in your life are talking to you about the amount of time you spend on your phone, it may be a good idea to ask for help.

Consider reaching out to a therapist or your doctor, checking out a self-help guide, or following a digital detox program.


The bottom line

Problematic cell phone use shares a lot of characteristics with behavioral addictions like compulsive gambling.

People who develop a dependent pattern of phone use typically experience a loss of control. They often find that their cell phone habits are causing real damage in their lives.

If your phone use has become problematic, or if it feels like it’s become an addiction, there are steps you can take to retrain yourself to use your phone in healthier ways.

Cognitive behavioral therapy and digital detox programs can both be very effective at reclaiming a sense of control over your phone use.

Feel that phantom ringing? It’s a productive, restful life calling. It’s OK to answer it.”

04/05/20: UPDATE What Is Life Now? A True Horror Show

I’ve been putting writing this post off for a while now, there has been a lot of resistance within myself, stress, sleep deprivation and confusion of how I am to word this post of my current reality.

I have no idea how I am still alive.

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I can begin by stating that my life is absolute misery, pain, terror and a horror story. It’s all about how you perceive things but believe me, transfer your consciousness into this physical vehicle and you would go to the nearest train station, find the nearest rope, find as many pills as you can, find a cliff and jump. It’s pure torture, being whipped metaphorically by the devil and tormented and chained up. Every moment of everyday I am screaming and begging for it all to stop. If you continue reading, if you dare, you’ll find out why. Life is far from the pretty pictures of flowers and plants I post. It’s all pretend and fake; it makes me sick. I feel so misunderstood and of course we are all living our subjective experiences but there is no unity of connection or relation in my world. I feel so alone it’s like being in the underworld of Greek Mythology, in pitch black and no one can hear your screams, all they hear is your fake laughs and words. All I have ever wanted was peace. Instead I have gotten the very opposite. I have brought it on myself ultimately but of course I never wanted this.

I’m fucking proud of myself for getting this far. If I died today I would die in awe of how I have fought this battle and overcame absolute terrifying experiences. I am the weakest strongest person in a paradoxical sense.

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Daily I experience fibromyagia, this is a chronic pain condition with no cure, it causes burning sensations all over the body, fatigue and cognitive issues like memory problems. The pain in my body seems to be getting worse, I limp some days and can’t get out of bed. I can’t sleep because of the intense pain I am in. Invisible knives jab at me. I wake up and feel as if I have been in a car crash. This condition seems to be getting worse and I cannot cope with the level of pain I am in. Every single thing I do, move, breathe, eat, it screams at me from my limbs. Acid is burning away at my bones. I sit here with my whole body knotted up and my limbs creaking every stretch I take. It feels like I haven’t stretched in years. In a 20 year old body I feel about 70. Waking hurts, moving hurts, staying still hurts. Every single second is agony and unbearable. My knees feel like some unseen force is grinding them dowon with a big chisel and drilling into them. My ankles feel as if they have been squeezed and chained up in cuffs. My spine is so sore every step I take it aches like a thousand bruises line my back. My neck can barely hold my head up. Every part of my body burns 24/7. No medication, no therapies, nothing works and I feel like I am chasing my own tail, going round and round in circles.

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I can’t sleep. For the past three weeks since I left the city and you because I had to, I have had insomnia. Four hours here, three hours here. I brought a new duvet, new soft pillows and they help a bit, I’ve started to get 6 hours of sleep that is broken into parts. I wake around 2pm every night and cannot get back to sleep until around four or five am in the morning. My mind is so active and hyper, it won’t settle down. The evenings are scary, I don’t know if I’ll be alone awake all night by myself, staring at the ceiling wishing I was dead. I yearn for sleep, to go unconsciousness so I don’t have to deal with this reality anymore. All my sleep problems started when I travelled to The Netherlands and lived in a squat; all day everyday there was loud techno music playing constantly. I’ve been on high alert since. Along with copious amounts of trauma and homelessness in various countries no wonder I cannot sleep. I was smoking weed for the past two years on and off here and there to sleep, to cope with the fibromyalgia pain and to escape from the misery of my reality. I’m three weeks clean from cannabis now. I don’t want to smoke cannabis anymore, not for a long while. Maybe here and there sometimes but I realise that this plant is sacred and I want to use it in beneficial and respectful way in the fugue. I’m already up there you know, I’m already in the sky, I’m already able to see psychedelic visions and get high without cannabis.

I’ve moved back to my parents house, I’ve been here three weeks for reasons I do not need to disclose. I’ve come back to the place where all the trauma and pain started. I’ve been running away from this village and bedroom for years and always end up coming back. A lot has happened in this bedroom I am writing in, taking psychedelics, dark nights of the soul, spiritual awakenings and a whole truck load of pain. I’ve designed it with plants, new pillows, posters and wall art; materialism doesn’t change my mental health but all I could do was try. It is a beautiful room though but part of me wants to chuck it all out of the window.

I’ve started therapy and have help from a man who is very much spiritually aware for all the issues I deal with: fibromyaglia, PTSD, anorexia, OCD, traumas, insecurities from bullying and giving my power away. I am wary of therapy as I have had so much pain fro other human beings that I don’t trust anyone anymore, so in the beginning my therapist focused on me becoming a tree, stable and grounded, which is a common theme in my life I need to implement, I’ve punched pillows and tried to release all the anger I have inside. I’ve spent my whole life suppressing my feelings. I’ve been walked all over because of my empathy and kindness being abused. I have this deep inner anger welling up inside that I do not know what to do with. I am finally standing up for myself. Things that have happened to me, that I have experience are not okay. I have let people take advantage of my purity. Not anymore. All this trauma I have is stored inside of my body and manifested as fibromyalgia. I’m angry at myself for letting all this happen to me and for letting myself get fucked up so to say. Working with these too people I have expected more, they are not my friends, they are my helpers, I have to realise that. I’ve written letters to my young and older self and forgiven. I’ve visualised the places where I was bullied and told my younger self she is beautiful and these people who bullied me were projecting their insecurities onto me; I do not need to carry that baggage anymore. I need to stop trying to understand everything with my intellect and just let thing be. I need to let go of the same of having sex with men when I was younger and being taken advantage of; I was a lost young girl who was searching for human connection. I need to observe my thoughts and choose which ones are good for me. I need to set boundaries and know that it is okay to say no. The voice telling me that I have to do things is my ego (edging away from god). Breaking down is waking up or breaking through.

I’m going through weed withdrawals. I can’t sleep well, I now get around five or six hours instead of two, none or three. I have to wait it out. I’m waking up drenched in sweat, I feel weird in the evenings and don’t know what to do with myself. I have had thoughts that I am going crazy. I am now three weeks clean, I hope dear god that I can sleep. I’ve never been addicted to cannabis, however I had used it as a crutch and have been dependent on it.

My periods are awful these days. I’ve now been bleeding for ten days which is very unusual and disturbing as they usually last at the maximum four or five days. My hormones are completely out of wack. I get aggressive energy when I’m bleeding and my suicidal thoughts increase to the point where it is unbearable. The pain in my ovary area is immensely horrific, I curl up into a ball and beg for the pain to stop; if I could describe it, it would be lightning bolts of electric volts attacking my lower area. I take paracetamol when I have to but it doesn’t do much. I get more manic and scatty too. It is truly diabolical.

Everyday I experience this: manic episodes, manic depressive episodes, racey thoughts, paranoia (a little because I’ve had so much trauma that I don’t trust people), headaches, blurry vision, diminished senses, eye pain, burning pain all over my body, sleep problems, memory loss, cognitive issuses, heart pain, lowering of the heart rate, nausea, feeling sick after I eat, swollen breasts, severe back pain, anxiety, flat mooded with no emotions, completely numb and dead. Reality does not feel real. Dissociation. Depersoanlisation. Derealisation. Panic attacks of impending doom on my chest, Forgetting where I am and who I am. Tracers of people’s past movements for three seconds. Confusion. Nightmares. Vivid dreams of Orwellian realities. Pain. Ghost-like mood where it feels as if I don’t exist, claircognizance (knowing when things happen before they happen), knowing what people are thinking, knowing all a person’s problems just by stepping outside and seeing them and feeling their aura. I am so sensitive and delicate. I notice the slightest change in energy and if it feels like bad energy I want to kill myself. Suicidal thoughts every ten minutes or five minutes. Loneliness. Fear. I am petrified. I shake, have muscle tremors, I feel the list just goes on and on. Starved of spirit, life force and human connection. I can only eat around ten foods or else my face will swell up. I’m terrified of having a psychotic episode because of all this

It’s as if everyone around me is living their lives and mine is trapped in a cage and the oxygen is disappearing, I’m gasping for air. It

Time seems to be speeding up, I can’t grasp it.

I’ve been in a mental car crash for these whole twenty years of my life. I don’t feel twenty, I feel 16 but also 90 at the same time.

The lock-down I believe is bullshit. Yes, I think there is a virus but I don’t think it is as bad as what the media states it is. There is a big battle going on between the light and dark. On my blog some beautiful quotes have been replaced by dead bodies or something dark when I look back thirty minutes later and I change it back. The spiritual healer I work with says it could be spirits trying to push me over the edge.. I know they can interfere with technology. Something strange is going on.

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I am currently on three medications: Pregablin (an anti-anxiety, nerve pain reducer, anti-epilepsy drug) at 400mg, 200mg twice a day. Diazapam (anti-anxiety, muscle relaxant) at 10mg, 5mg twice a day and if I cannot cope with the reality I experience. Zopiclone (sleeping pills) at 7.5mg as I cannot sleep properly and have PTSD flashbacks. I also take magnesium supplements at 300mg and Vitamin D at 10mg because after a test at the doctors they found out I had a severe deficiency. I do not like taking highly addictive medication however desperate people do desperate things. I was offered no help when I came back messed up from travelling except pills. I’ve been on so many different ones that I have lost count. There was no help, left in the cold with pills. I had nothing else to help me survive. I want to come off them but I’m stuck with them at the moment as I am not stable enough to come off them. They barely help me function day to day, I don’t feel right without them.. They have gotten me to where I am today at least. I experience nasty side effects like suicidal ideation, increased suicidal thoughts, constipation, feeling constantly nauseous, no appetite then increased appetite that is scatty, feeling lethargic, depressed, on edge, agitated. I am disgusted that I have gotten no help from the NHS and all I have is pills. I went to four meetings at a young peoples centre connected with the NHS in the local city and the meetings consisted of filling out forms, ridiculous and I asked for a letter to go with my benefit money appeal and instead got a girls suicide notes.

I’ve written many emails to shamans and spiritual healers from around the UK and world. I’ve had some beautiful responses that I have already posted on my blog, but some have been hard hitting with the truth. I hope to be able to discern which messages and people are right for me and can work with me. Tomorrow I have two sessions with two shamans; one is doing psychic surgery on me with his spirit allies (I know this may sound wacky but this is my soul path regarding spirituality and shamanism). I don’t know where this will lead me, I just hope something changes, I pray something changes. I don’t have faith in any of them because I’ve been let down so so so many times in the past.

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Living in a room in my parents is making me go loopy. I pace up and down like an animal getting exercise, I watch videos, study, try and function when I feel like my brain is breaking down. I am completely lonely and isolated, I have no friends or anyone to truly speak to anymore. Night times are awful, as I mentioned, I cannot sleep, I dread life and sleep.

How do I cope? I live for the next cigarette, for the next meal, for the next blog post, for the next banging on my djembe drums, for the next sleep, for the next conversation, the next piece of information. I bike or walk (sometimes limp from the amount of pain I am in) to get out of this bedroom and my mind half expects to see you in the woods or by the pond. I walk away feeling disheartened and in pain. I curl up into a ball and cry out for help everyday, I lie staring at the ceiling wishing it could all end. I also cope by knowing that I can kill myself, I’m just scared that it will go wrong and I’ll wake up in hospital or have brain damage.

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I want to kill myself. I want to live but the pain is drowning me. I know the fifth attempt is coming, the right opportunity. I am scared that it won’t work but I’ve had some experience in this and know what I have to do. I will die alone as I was born alone in complete fear and misery. If someone revives me I will be VERY angry. If that attempt fails I will have to resort to lying on train tracks to finish me off. Of course I have a conscience and feel sick that the driver would have to experience that. However, I feel like I have no escape from this pain and it would be my last resort. I will find a way to finish myself off. It is suicide out of self-love and it’s hard maybe for people to grasp this concept and understand. I want to die out of self-love and release myself, find peace from the pain I am in. At any moment I feel I could impulsively go.

I wish I could be friends with you Michael. What will be will be.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel paralized by confusion going round and around and round and around and round in circles.

I try my best and get up everyday. I am so proud of my being but also want to die so badly.

Standing up for myself these days has given me a little personal power back. For example standing up to people who have hurt me, letting them know that they are no better than anyone else. We are all one. We are all infinite consciousness and love experiencing itself through these individual souls we have.

Yes, it’s fucked up. My blog is raw and that’s it. What do I do?

I wish I was you.

Have a good life,

Amber

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