What Is Numerology?

What Is Numerology?


In simple terms, numerology is a study of numbers in your life. You can uncover information about the world and also each individual person by using Numerology. Numerology is seen as a universal language of numbers.

If you are familiar with Astrology, then you may know a little bit about Numerology; it is similar in quite a few ways but uses a different method to get the information and insight: Numbers.

Numerology is the idea that the universe is a system and once broken down we are left with the basic elements, which is numbers. These numbers can then be used to help us to better understand the world and ourselves as individuals.

The matrix GIF on GIFER - by Fe

Finding Meaning In Numbers
Numerology is the idea that the universe is a system; once broken down we are left with the basic elements, which is numbers. By understanding that everything in the world is dependent on, and can equate to numbers, a numerologist can take multiple elements of a person and break them down into meaningful numbers through various methods. These numbers can then be used to help us to better understand the world and ourselves as individuals where you can discover insights about your purpose and personality traits by working out things like your life path number, expression number and hearts desire number among many others.

The History Of Numerology
Where numerology came from and how it came to be is somewhat of a mystery, like many ancient philosophies. Egypt and Babylon are where the earliest written records of numerology are said to be.

Other evidence shows that numerology was used thousands of years ago in Rome, China, Greece, and Japan.

Modern-day numerology is normally credited to Pythagoras, who was a Greek philosopher. Although it is not known if he invented Numerology, he had some theories behind it, which took numbers to a completely different level. These theories are now the reason behind Pythagoras having the credit for modern day numerology.

Dr. Julian Stenton was actually the person who came up with the name ‘Numerology’. He also bought recognition and awareness to it in modern day times. There is not much else known about the whereabouts of Numerology, it has become quite popular in today’s society and is used by many.

How Does Numerology Work? The Basics
How numerology works is actually quite complicated and usually requires a master numerologist to provide detailed and accurate readings. Though you can easily find your life path number and things like your expression, personality, and soul urge numbers using basic calculations, it is the way that these numbers work together that need to be interpreted properly.

The idea behind numerology is that the cosmos and your life is affected by your birth date, birth name and many other factors surrounding an individual. In this way, there are great depths that a numerology forecast can provide. Consequently, it can provide often astounding insights about somebody.

It is believed that there are no coincidences in the Universe that your name and birthday affect the journey that you will take and your characteristics, in the same way, that some look at horoscopes or astrology to interpret signs or destinies.

File:Digital rain animation medium letters shine.gif - Wikimedia Commons

What A Numerology Reading Involves
A numerology reading involves a lot of calculations. These calculations can go into many layers of depth with different numbers and combinations of numbers carrying various meanings. Even a basic reading based on your core numbers can be quite revealing. However, in the same manner that numbers are infinite, someone’s numerology chart can continue to be read from many perspectives as an ongoing project.

Getting a numerology reading is actually quite fun and very interesting, especially at numerologist.com which has an amazing, visual platform that takes you through the journey of breaking down the 5 core elements of your chart to build your personal chart.

This is a great introduction for beginners, and it is also suited for those who want a deeper reading. Starting with your name and date of birth, they explain how your free numerology chart will not only tell you about yourself but help to provide direction in your life and wellbeing using a combination of your Life Path Number, Birthday Number, Soul Urge Number, Expression Number, and Personality Number.

Your Numerology Life Path Number
In Numerology, your life path number is the most important number. It forms the basis of what path your life could take. Similarly, it should be reflective of who you are, or should be, in your personality and traits. A life path number also outlines any opportunities or challenges you may face, as well as any lessons you may have to learn along the way.

Each life path number has a different meaning.

It is calculated by adding up the numbers in your full date of birth.
For example, April 4th 1992, would be 4 + 4 = 8. Then the 1992 is broken down as 1 + 9 + 9 + 2 = 21.

Now you add the two digits of 21 together as 2 + 1 = 3.

This is the same with any double digit numbers which you should keep adding together until you end up with a 1 digit number.
Example: 19 becomes 1 + 9 = 10, then 1 + 0 = 1). Finally, add the 8 and 3 together for your life path number i.e. 8 + 3 = 11.

Sound complicated? It’s easier than you’d think.

You can learn more about the Numerology calculator and life path number meanings here.

Once you have determined your life plan number, you can then see what it says about you and your life. And it is surprising how accurate just knowing the general traits of your life path number can be to an individual. This is why many go on to find out more about themselves with more in-depth readings.

Your Expression Number
Also known as your destiny number, an expression number is said to delve into your abilities, desires and personal goals. It could also make you aware of any inherent traits that you may carry.

Your expression number is calculated by converting your FULL birth name (including any middle names) into numbers using the Pythagorean chart. This type of chart correlates a letter with a single digit number. Then, the total sum is broken down to a single digit number. Once again the master numbers apply to your destiny number and are not reduced any further.

Whatever expression number you are left with has a different meaning and works in combination with other core numbers to build a picture of who you are and what you’re about as a person in the wider universe.

Your Soul Urge Number
Your soul urge number is often referred to as the Heart’s Desire number in numerology. This can symbolize a reflection of your inner, or true, self. The most interesting thing about the soul urge number is that it often reveals truths in people that they only recognize once a reading is completed.

For example, your heart’s desire number may show that you actually crave power. Or, that you are much deeper and require a higher level of fulfillment. Alternatively, you may have a need to feel valued or cared for… All of these qualities can often sit beneath the surface and in revelation can be quite enlightening. Even changing the entire direction of a person’s life to find true happiness.

The calculation is similar to others using your full birth name. However, you only calculate the value of the vowels to reveal your inner urges or desires.

Your Numerology Personality Number
Your personality number in numerology is calculated using only the consonants in your full name. This is then followed by the same process of allocating a number to each letter before adding them up and breaking them down to get to a single digit number or master number.

The personality number is literally the side of you that you allow people to see. In turn this shows how others see you. What is true of most people is that we hide our true selves and therefore live under a persona. Sometimes this is done with great consideration. However, most of the time we do this without even realizing, or being entirely conscious of it. For that reason, it is often quite enlightening to see how your personality number can show the things that you ignore or don’t deal with by acting the way that you do. So, in turn, it can reveal deeper insights into your behaviors in different circumstances.

Your Birth Day Number In Numerology
Lastly but by no means least, your birthday number holds the key to you and your destiny. This number is entirely based on the exact day you were born. Combined with your life path number and other core numbers this can unveil your gifts, talents and even your entire life’s purpose.

Based on your day of birth with the month, your birthday number will tell you of specific talents and potentially where they fit into your universe in order to give yourself true purpose.

Matrix program movie GIF - Find on GIFER

7 Interesting Facts About Numerology
So now that you are starting to realize that the numbers in your life (whether you notice them yet or not) could have more meaning than you think, here are some interesting facts about Numerology that are worth knowing.

Fact 1: Positive And Negative Numbers
All numbers used in numerology include both positive and negative features that should be recognized. Though numbers have a balance of positive and negative throughout their whole self, it is important to know that numbers are influenced by many factors. This includes your outlook and other numbers that are correlated with your different life aspects, such as career, business, health, and love.

A true, in-depth numerology forecast will not simply focus on the positives and will consider the impact of negative numbers in your chart in order to give you the best understanding of yourself. This is where numerology is used to help people focus their lives for the better.

Fact 2: Master Numbers In Numerology
Master numbers in numerology are 11, 22 or 33. They have deep and powerful meanings. The true meanings can be good or bad depending on the context. Therefore, it is important to interpret master numbers properly. Mostly they should be used for guidance or revelation of certain circumstances that impact somebody’s life in a way that needs to be addressed.

Typically, the methods used during a numerology reading mean that double-digit numbers found in date of births (birthday numbers) are usually split apart and added together to leave a single digit number that becomes a part of the calculation. But when the result of a calculation equates to a master number, it is not reduced and will carry its own meaning.

Master number 11 can relate to “instinct” and “faith”. Similarly, it could signify fear and anxiety, so has to be carefully read.

Number 22 is the Master Builder. It is the most powerful indicator of ambition and success, though often requires guidance or different perspectives.

The number 33 has various meanings as one of your core numbers i.e. Life Path, Expression, Personality etc. Not forgetting that all of these master numbers can be combined to form entirely different meanings in partnership with others, or as a triangle of enlightenment!

Fact 3: Using Numbers As A Guide For Life
Numerology in its fullest form is much more than a reading or insight into who you are as a person. In fact, many followers and advocates of numerology include highly successful celebrities that attribute their careers to numerology. The science of numerology tells you what your barriers are. Plus, it can give you a direction based on your position in the universe, potentially attributing to this success.

Deep and powerful feelings that many initially find hard to comprehend become apparent, it can inspire people to change their direction completely and begin to treat numerology as a forecast for life.

Fact 4: Converting To Numerology
Numerologists often report that once people take the step to look further into their numerology chart, they are so taken with the revelations of some of their core desires and issues in life that they will often continue on their path of discovery and enlightenment. Once you discover the accuracy of numerology readings, you can discover the truth yourself. Plus, learn what those inner feelings have been trying to tell you all of your life.

Fact 5: Strengths And Weaknesses For Purpose
Because of the accuracy of reading and insights they reveal, friends and others that have taken numerology readings will often encourage others to look into numerology as a way to find their true strengths and weaknesses. Through this discovery alone you can give yourself a better idea of what you should and shouldn’t be doing in your life. Furthermore, this could give you greater purpose to move forward.

Fact 6: So Many Numbers And Meanings
Though there are calculators and online tools to work out your individual core numbers, it is important for people to understand that there are so many numbers and meanings behind combinations of numbers and your individual self that you need a proper numerologist to interpret these for you. Where a birthday calculator can give you that one number and its meaning can show you certain basic principles behind your character, your life path number gives that factor a different meaning or viewpoint. This is where numerology is much more insightful than horoscopes and other spiritual based methods used in a similar way.

Fact 7: Numerology From Birth
One of the most fascinating aspects of numerology is that the readings are all based around the time you entered the universe in your human form. From your birth. So whether you like your name or not, or when your birthday sits in the year, all of it has a meaning.

If it were known at your time of birth and your parents were numerologists, then effectively you would never have had to consider who you are and what you should be doing in life to make you happy, or important in the world. So be proud of your full name and whenever your birthday may fall! Numerology, and its factors suggests everything about the reason you are here at all. And it’s never too late to find out.”

Source: https://www.thelawofattraction.com/what-is-numerology/

Shamanic Journeying To The Spirit Of Fibromyalgia

Samsara' [2011] - Olivier de Sagazan (FullHD) on Make a GIF

The shaman I am working with journeyed to the spirit of fibromyalgia recently as we wanted to find out how I could be helped and what is going on on a metaphysical level with fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals. Basically, it feels like hot acid burning all over my body 24/7 brought on by many theories circulating – trauma, stress, infection.

The shaman journeyed into another realm of existence and said he saw a castle, a castle with traps all around it and a draw bridge. Inside the castle the shaman found a man wrapped totally and suffocating in bandages; he was wrapped in total fear. ABSOLUTE FEAR.

The man would not reveal anything. The only way to get through to him was to surround him with love, shower him with love. With that, the bandages started to unravel themselves. That’s all he found out…..

The Abyss And Dark Night Of The Soul

“In varying traditions there is an understanding of the abyss (mainly occult traditions), and of the importance of crossing the abyss to make it out of a spiritual initiation relatively intact and alive. The mere act of crossing such an abyss allows for a time of deep introspection, existential crisis, despair, and a host of other emotions and experiences that are difficult to process. Once gotten to the other side of said abyss, we will have let go of considerable emotional material, past traumas, and belief systems, and will have received spiritual gifts, insights, or abilities as a result of the experience.

The difficulty with the abyss is realizing that you are there…

A Dark Night of the Soul is a similar experience to the Abyss (although seemingly slightly different places via direct experience, with slightly different realizations in the two places to be had), in which we feel dark, and alone, depressed… with an inability to reach out to another because they simply would not understand. We are solitary, and trapped within the illusion that we are a singular presence on this earth, and that nobody could possibly understand or even care about us.

As mentioned, the abyss and dark nights are strikingly similar, and many exchange one word for the other as if they are the same experience. Through direct experience it seems to me that a Dark Night is focused on the personal and the “I”– meaning that, similar to St. John of the Cross who coined the term, we are feeling trapped in a prison and are unable to free ourselves from nameless, faceless persecutors (although in his case it was the Carmelites). But the idea of a Dark Night is the feeling of being personally trapped in a sort of darkness that one cannot get out of. The end to this trapped realization is the understanding that even while enslaved, caged, or deprived of freedom… even isolated from the rest of the world one is not alone, and one can be free.

Staring into the Abyss: Sinister Artworks By Vergvoktre.. (30+ ...

The Abyss generally to me is much more of a metaphor– a sort of spiritual initiation in which we are developing new understandings or need to process new material that is simply too much for us to incorporate. We get lost (or drown), or do not cross the abyss when we become inundated with spiritual information that is too much for us to logically incorporate through our egos (not ego in a new-age way, ego as in the creator of the illusion that is our daily lives and our worlds). The abyss is more of a blackout, in which we can feel ourselves flailing about, wondering what is going on, as we feel ourselves falling into darkness.

In both cases we are watching our worlds be destroyed in front of us. In both cases we come to a sort of blackout, where no physical or spiritual support seems available to us. This is obviously difficult to handle, and is more difficult to come away from… to see the light or to complete the crossing of said abyss. It is even more difficult to reconcile the falseness of the world once you have had several of these experiences.

Many of us pursue enlightenment, or advanced spiritual or occult knowledge to make ourselves more powerful, to become more fulfilled in our daily lives, or because we are drawn to do so without a logical reason why with a sort of fervor that can only be understood by others with similar fervor. As we progress on our path we quickly realize that the sort of new-age notion that gaining power or understanding or abilities resulting in a sort of delirious state of happiness or ability to rule the world or control the cosmos (or increasingly odd magical thinking about what the nature of enlightenment is like) is false, and the false prophets who maintain such illusions are simply that… illusions to fulfill the void of a modern society that is powerless, stuck on the surface levels of most spiritual paths, spiritually immature, wanting desperately to have control when they subconsciously know they do not, and preferring the romanticization and intellectualization of spiritual paths rather than the actual work or direct experience of them.

On any sort of spiritual path that is real (and by that I mean one that gains power, one in which takes work and direct experience and has come out of the immaturity and romanticization and intellectualization phases that are so prevalent in modern spiritual circles) we come across certain spiritual doors. These doors are metaphors, of course, and are initiatory– leading us to cast away old beliefs and delusions and come into new understandings, beliefs, and in some cases, spiritual abilities or new spiritual teachers.

Making of “The Abyss” :Digital Art - paperbird-heed - Medium

Each time we pass through one of these doors, these gateways, we come upon a threshold guardians… the aspects of ourselves that tell us how comfortable we are with the known, how it would be easier to remain what and who we are. Many times we may listen to these guardians and not walk through the proverbial door. But other times we do, and we usher in a new era of Self.

The difficulty with receiving so much information (stimuli, understandings, see/feel/hear/etc) on a spiritual level is that it needs to be assimilated. This is especially hard on our egos, who have created the experiences of the abyss or the dark night because they need a sort of waiting period to reboot and re-create a new reality, or illusion, for us. When we let go of a huge amount of trauma, belief systems, and chaos our outer reality changes. When we do this quickly our outer reality significantly changes. When we let go of the chaos, the destructive beliefs, the illusions that we have hung our hats on to create our world(s), we become closer to true realization, understanding, and begin to see more deeply into the spiritual realms and are able to interact with the spiritual realms, and our every-day world, in a much different manner.

All of this means, quite simply, that when we change who we are in a very short period of time (for some people undergoing significant spiritual awakenings this can be five minutes… for others it might be days or months or years), when we unload a bunch of chaos and trauma out of our system, we are very different people than we once were. And our world will be different.

The real difficulty is not the actual experience of the Void or the abyss (although when you are experiencing it you may react differently to this notion). Each of them are simply concepts that we have created to reason as to why we are experiencing a re-configuration of our reality… why we have such different understandings or realizations or even abilities than we may have had five minutes ago, or five years ago.

The difficulty in these experiences is allowing ourselves to make it to the other side of them.

It can be easy to get lost in existential despair, in crisis, in chaos. It can be easy to understand when you are having such spiritual experiences, especially because many of them are not talked about beyond an intellectual level, that you truly are alone or are the only one experiencing them. Seeing the world as patently false, trapped in chaos and delusion… and not only that seeing people prefer their illusions because they give them a quiet sense of comfort even if covering a sort of despair… it can be easy to isolate. Navigating a world that you know is false, wanting to live in that world that is full of chaos and trauma, is difficult.

The further that you go and the more spiritual doors that you go through, the more difficult this realization can be. Many people are just on the surface of this world, and that is where they wish to be, and that is where they are supposed to be. It can be difficult to get beyond the previous point to a realization that people are where they are supposed to be. To let go of the control or wish that the world or the individuals in it were somehow more enlightened, more aware, or were simply able to be a little uncomfortable to achieve a bit of spiritual growth. It is certainly one of the spiritual doors/initiations to let go of the idea and the emotions over the fact that most people, including perhaps yourself, are just playing in this world like a group of actors cast in a play that they are not aware of. And this fact becomes more difficult the more aware you are. Experiencing other worlds, paradoxes, energies, beings, dimensions, times, or understandings that are not common, or are not talked about, is difficult for those who experience them, especially when you see that many of the people in the world are simply intellectualizing and playing with spiritual concepts they don’t really understand.

When further initiations are had it can be incredibly isolating, albeit with the understanding of oneness simultaneously. To see the worlds reverberated and experience oneness and divinity and at the same time falseness and separation is a difficult paradox to reconcile. But at some point many of us begin to reconcile it… this realization that the world is false and true at the same time, and to fully love and forgive people for being who they are without a desire to control or sway them in any way from their path because they are experiencing exactly what they need to, and would be experiencing something else if they were ready to or intended to.

But in being okay with overwhelm, in being okay with the world crumbling around you like it does while crossing the abyss and while engaged in its murky depths the other shore begins to appear.

And this other shore is ourselves reformulated, with our new worlds reconfigured for us. We look through the eyes of our new illusions, the remaining beliefs and trauma that we have. We have new understandings, realizations, and more access to our power. We may even have new abilities or spiritual teachers or access to new realms or beings that we did not before. We go forward in our new lives with more peace and generally more stability, as the amount of chaos that once swirled around us has lessened.

If you are experiencing a dark night/the abyss, realize that you are there. Understand that your world is reformulating and this takes time. Realize that you have created this experience for a purpose– to make logical sense out of crossing into new terrain, into a new understanding of Self. Most of all, if you are lost in the inky black, feel like your spiritual support has disappeared into the murky depths of the abyss, and are feeling despair, suicidal, or unsafe, please reach out for help. Your loved ones may not realize what the abyss is, but they will understand if you need help.”

Healing & Forgiving & Letting Go: Letters To Childhood Friends

I feel as part of this healing journey I am on, I needed to write two letters to two girls that I had a messed up childhood with. I am now going to deliver them through their letterboxes, walk in my strength to their houses and let go of the past. The past is done and I am ready to move on.

I wish you both well and send you healing and love, forgiving myself and you both and wishing you a wonderful life. I wish you well.

Have a good life,

Amber

04/05/20: UPDATE What Is Life Now? A True Horror Show

I’ve been putting writing this post off for a while now, there has been a lot of resistance within myself, stress, sleep deprivation and confusion of how I am to word this post of my current reality.

I have no idea how I am still alive.

Depression suicide soul GIF - Find on GIFER

I can begin by stating that my life is absolute misery, pain, terror and a horror story. It’s all about how you perceive things but believe me, transfer your consciousness into this physical vehicle and you would go to the nearest train station, find the nearest rope, find as many pills as you can, find a cliff and jump. It’s pure torture, being whipped metaphorically by the devil and tormented and chained up. Every moment of everyday I am screaming and begging for it all to stop. If you continue reading, if you dare, you’ll find out why. Life is far from the pretty pictures of flowers and plants I post. It’s all pretend and fake; it makes me sick. I feel so misunderstood and of course we are all living our subjective experiences but there is no unity of connection or relation in my world. I feel so alone it’s like being in the underworld of Greek Mythology, in pitch black and no one can hear your screams, all they hear is your fake laughs and words. All I have ever wanted was peace. Instead I have gotten the very opposite. I have brought it on myself ultimately but of course I never wanted this.

I’m fucking proud of myself for getting this far. If I died today I would die in awe of how I have fought this battle and overcame absolute terrifying experiences. I am the weakest strongest person in a paradoxical sense.

Falling In Mud GIFs | Tenor

Daily I experience fibromyagia, this is a chronic pain condition with no cure, it causes burning sensations all over the body, fatigue and cognitive issues like memory problems. The pain in my body seems to be getting worse, I limp some days and can’t get out of bed. I can’t sleep because of the intense pain I am in. Invisible knives jab at me. I wake up and feel as if I have been in a car crash. This condition seems to be getting worse and I cannot cope with the level of pain I am in. Every single thing I do, move, breathe, eat, it screams at me from my limbs. Acid is burning away at my bones. I sit here with my whole body knotted up and my limbs creaking every stretch I take. It feels like I haven’t stretched in years. In a 20 year old body I feel about 70. Waking hurts, moving hurts, staying still hurts. Every single second is agony and unbearable. My knees feel like some unseen force is grinding them dowon with a big chisel and drilling into them. My ankles feel as if they have been squeezed and chained up in cuffs. My spine is so sore every step I take it aches like a thousand bruises line my back. My neck can barely hold my head up. Every part of my body burns 24/7. No medication, no therapies, nothing works and I feel like I am chasing my own tail, going round and round in circles.

depressive gifs Page 2 | WiffleGif

I can’t sleep. For the past three weeks since I left the city and you because I had to, I have had insomnia. Four hours here, three hours here. I brought a new duvet, new soft pillows and they help a bit, I’ve started to get 6 hours of sleep that is broken into parts. I wake around 2pm every night and cannot get back to sleep until around four or five am in the morning. My mind is so active and hyper, it won’t settle down. The evenings are scary, I don’t know if I’ll be alone awake all night by myself, staring at the ceiling wishing I was dead. I yearn for sleep, to go unconsciousness so I don’t have to deal with this reality anymore. All my sleep problems started when I travelled to The Netherlands and lived in a squat; all day everyday there was loud techno music playing constantly. I’ve been on high alert since. Along with copious amounts of trauma and homelessness in various countries no wonder I cannot sleep. I was smoking weed for the past two years on and off here and there to sleep, to cope with the fibromyalgia pain and to escape from the misery of my reality. I’m three weeks clean from cannabis now. I don’t want to smoke cannabis anymore, not for a long while. Maybe here and there sometimes but I realise that this plant is sacred and I want to use it in beneficial and respectful way in the fugue. I’m already up there you know, I’m already in the sky, I’m already able to see psychedelic visions and get high without cannabis.

I’ve moved back to my parents house, I’ve been here three weeks for reasons I do not need to disclose. I’ve come back to the place where all the trauma and pain started. I’ve been running away from this village and bedroom for years and always end up coming back. A lot has happened in this bedroom I am writing in, taking psychedelics, dark nights of the soul, spiritual awakenings and a whole truck load of pain. I’ve designed it with plants, new pillows, posters and wall art; materialism doesn’t change my mental health but all I could do was try. It is a beautiful room though but part of me wants to chuck it all out of the window.

I’ve started therapy and have help from a man who is very much spiritually aware for all the issues I deal with: fibromyaglia, PTSD, anorexia, OCD, traumas, insecurities from bullying and giving my power away. I am wary of therapy as I have had so much pain fro other human beings that I don’t trust anyone anymore, so in the beginning my therapist focused on me becoming a tree, stable and grounded, which is a common theme in my life I need to implement, I’ve punched pillows and tried to release all the anger I have inside. I’ve spent my whole life suppressing my feelings. I’ve been walked all over because of my empathy and kindness being abused. I have this deep inner anger welling up inside that I do not know what to do with. I am finally standing up for myself. Things that have happened to me, that I have experience are not okay. I have let people take advantage of my purity. Not anymore. All this trauma I have is stored inside of my body and manifested as fibromyalgia. I’m angry at myself for letting all this happen to me and for letting myself get fucked up so to say. Working with these too people I have expected more, they are not my friends, they are my helpers, I have to realise that. I’ve written letters to my young and older self and forgiven. I’ve visualised the places where I was bullied and told my younger self she is beautiful and these people who bullied me were projecting their insecurities onto me; I do not need to carry that baggage anymore. I need to stop trying to understand everything with my intellect and just let thing be. I need to let go of the same of having sex with men when I was younger and being taken advantage of; I was a lost young girl who was searching for human connection. I need to observe my thoughts and choose which ones are good for me. I need to set boundaries and know that it is okay to say no. The voice telling me that I have to do things is my ego (edging away from god). Breaking down is waking up or breaking through.

I’m going through weed withdrawals. I can’t sleep well, I now get around five or six hours instead of two, none or three. I have to wait it out. I’m waking up drenched in sweat, I feel weird in the evenings and don’t know what to do with myself. I have had thoughts that I am going crazy. I am now three weeks clean, I hope dear god that I can sleep. I’ve never been addicted to cannabis, however I had used it as a crutch and have been dependent on it.

My periods are awful these days. I’ve now been bleeding for ten days which is very unusual and disturbing as they usually last at the maximum four or five days. My hormones are completely out of wack. I get aggressive energy when I’m bleeding and my suicidal thoughts increase to the point where it is unbearable. The pain in my ovary area is immensely horrific, I curl up into a ball and beg for the pain to stop; if I could describe it, it would be lightning bolts of electric volts attacking my lower area. I take paracetamol when I have to but it doesn’t do much. I get more manic and scatty too. It is truly diabolical.

Everyday I experience this: manic episodes, manic depressive episodes, racey thoughts, paranoia (a little because I’ve had so much trauma that I don’t trust people), headaches, blurry vision, diminished senses, eye pain, burning pain all over my body, sleep problems, memory loss, cognitive issuses, heart pain, lowering of the heart rate, nausea, feeling sick after I eat, swollen breasts, severe back pain, anxiety, flat mooded with no emotions, completely numb and dead. Reality does not feel real. Dissociation. Depersoanlisation. Derealisation. Panic attacks of impending doom on my chest, Forgetting where I am and who I am. Tracers of people’s past movements for three seconds. Confusion. Nightmares. Vivid dreams of Orwellian realities. Pain. Ghost-like mood where it feels as if I don’t exist, claircognizance (knowing when things happen before they happen), knowing what people are thinking, knowing all a person’s problems just by stepping outside and seeing them and feeling their aura. I am so sensitive and delicate. I notice the slightest change in energy and if it feels like bad energy I want to kill myself. Suicidal thoughts every ten minutes or five minutes. Loneliness. Fear. I am petrified. I shake, have muscle tremors, I feel the list just goes on and on. Starved of spirit, life force and human connection. I can only eat around ten foods or else my face will swell up. I’m terrified of having a psychotic episode because of all this

It’s as if everyone around me is living their lives and mine is trapped in a cage and the oxygen is disappearing, I’m gasping for air. It

Time seems to be speeding up, I can’t grasp it.

I’ve been in a mental car crash for these whole twenty years of my life. I don’t feel twenty, I feel 16 but also 90 at the same time.

The lock-down I believe is bullshit. Yes, I think there is a virus but I don’t think it is as bad as what the media states it is. There is a big battle going on between the light and dark. On my blog some beautiful quotes have been replaced by dead bodies or something dark when I look back thirty minutes later and I change it back. The spiritual healer I work with says it could be spirits trying to push me over the edge.. I know they can interfere with technology. Something strange is going on.

Popular and Trending drowning Gifs on PicsArt

I am currently on three medications: Pregablin (an anti-anxiety, nerve pain reducer, anti-epilepsy drug) at 400mg, 200mg twice a day. Diazapam (anti-anxiety, muscle relaxant) at 10mg, 5mg twice a day and if I cannot cope with the reality I experience. Zopiclone (sleeping pills) at 7.5mg as I cannot sleep properly and have PTSD flashbacks. I also take magnesium supplements at 300mg and Vitamin D at 10mg because after a test at the doctors they found out I had a severe deficiency. I do not like taking highly addictive medication however desperate people do desperate things. I was offered no help when I came back messed up from travelling except pills. I’ve been on so many different ones that I have lost count. There was no help, left in the cold with pills. I had nothing else to help me survive. I want to come off them but I’m stuck with them at the moment as I am not stable enough to come off them. They barely help me function day to day, I don’t feel right without them.. They have gotten me to where I am today at least. I experience nasty side effects like suicidal ideation, increased suicidal thoughts, constipation, feeling constantly nauseous, no appetite then increased appetite that is scatty, feeling lethargic, depressed, on edge, agitated. I am disgusted that I have gotten no help from the NHS and all I have is pills. I went to four meetings at a young peoples centre connected with the NHS in the local city and the meetings consisted of filling out forms, ridiculous and I asked for a letter to go with my benefit money appeal and instead got a girls suicide notes.

I’ve written many emails to shamans and spiritual healers from around the UK and world. I’ve had some beautiful responses that I have already posted on my blog, but some have been hard hitting with the truth. I hope to be able to discern which messages and people are right for me and can work with me. Tomorrow I have two sessions with two shamans; one is doing psychic surgery on me with his spirit allies (I know this may sound wacky but this is my soul path regarding spirituality and shamanism). I don’t know where this will lead me, I just hope something changes, I pray something changes. I don’t have faith in any of them because I’ve been let down so so so many times in the past.

Pin on Dandelion

Living in a room in my parents is making me go loopy. I pace up and down like an animal getting exercise, I watch videos, study, try and function when I feel like my brain is breaking down. I am completely lonely and isolated, I have no friends or anyone to truly speak to anymore. Night times are awful, as I mentioned, I cannot sleep, I dread life and sleep.

How do I cope? I live for the next cigarette, for the next meal, for the next blog post, for the next banging on my djembe drums, for the next sleep, for the next conversation, the next piece of information. I bike or walk (sometimes limp from the amount of pain I am in) to get out of this bedroom and my mind half expects to see you in the woods or by the pond. I walk away feeling disheartened and in pain. I curl up into a ball and cry out for help everyday, I lie staring at the ceiling wishing it could all end. I also cope by knowing that I can kill myself, I’m just scared that it will go wrong and I’ll wake up in hospital or have brain damage.

Blood Drowning GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

I want to kill myself. I want to live but the pain is drowning me. I know the fifth attempt is coming, the right opportunity. I am scared that it won’t work but I’ve had some experience in this and know what I have to do. I will die alone as I was born alone in complete fear and misery. If someone revives me I will be VERY angry. If that attempt fails I will have to resort to lying on train tracks to finish me off. Of course I have a conscience and feel sick that the driver would have to experience that. However, I feel like I have no escape from this pain and it would be my last resort. I will find a way to finish myself off. It is suicide out of self-love and it’s hard maybe for people to grasp this concept and understand. I want to die out of self-love and release myself, find peace from the pain I am in. At any moment I feel I could impulsively go.

I wish I could be friends with you Michael. What will be will be.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel paralized by confusion going round and around and round and around and round in circles.

I try my best and get up everyday. I am so proud of my being but also want to die so badly.

Standing up for myself these days has given me a little personal power back. For example standing up to people who have hurt me, letting them know that they are no better than anyone else. We are all one. We are all infinite consciousness and love experiencing itself through these individual souls we have.

Yes, it’s fucked up. My blog is raw and that’s it. What do I do?

I wish I was you.

Have a good life,

Amber

Mud GIF - Find on GIFER