Relationship Behaviour

In our relationships behaviour can be:

Passive – by being passive we are saying to people that we are not as important as they are. We let other people’s needs and rights take priority over our own. We often fail to communicate our own needs. Passive behaviour can lead us to feel like victims.

Aggressive: aggressive behaviour can be honest or dishonest, intended or unitended, active or passive, direct or indirect; but is always creates an impression of superiority. It is saying that my needs, wants and rights are more important than other people’s. The aggressive attempts to overpower the other person by not allowing them a choice.

Assertive: assertiveness is active, honest and direct. It communicates our impression of respect for both yourself and the other person. It says that our needs, wants and rights are equally important as each other’s. Assertive behaviour requires good listening and negotiating skills, so that the other person feels that their point of view is being heard and respected, even if you don’t agree with it. This should lead to open and honest relationships and success without resentment.

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17/05/20: Overwhelmed & Work To Do

I am completely lost. I have so many words to pour out of my heart and mind. I’m writing a long post about where I am at now and what is happening.

Life is magical and crazy. I am in the unknown and lost in a hazy, dark and hazy hellish forest blindfolded.

I sent a letter to a childhood friend as part of my healing journey. I want to face her and talk, I have this inner urge to connect and smooth over the past and file it away in my mind. Face the girl that I had a lot of entanglement with. She responded and contacted my brother. I asked if she’d like to meet tonight. I grew up with her until I was around 14 when I isolated myself from the world; I became depressed and anorexic. It is the first time in 6 years since we last spoke. I’m looking forward to seeing her by the pond and facing my fear of the past. She is always in my dreams, not good dreams. A lot of bullying happened when I was young involving this girl. I hope it goes well..

I’m proud of myself for all I have done. I am incredibly strong and incredible.

Have a good life,

Amber

What Are Soul Groups?

“Every one of us has a group of souls we are spiritually connected to, just that little more than we are connected with the collective consciousness. A group we are meant to connect with in both the spirit world, and here by choice in physical form. This is our soul group.

The group could be you, and one other person, several people or a much greater number. Our spirit guides are also part of our soul group. We agree to connect and enable each other to learn a lesson or many lessons depending on how long we have arranged to be in each others lifetime. This is why some people are only fleetingly but intensely involved in our lives, then move on.

People from our soul group come into our lives at seemingly random times, but in fact these meetings were prearranged between us in spirit before we came here. We all wish to have similar spiritual evolutionary intentions, goals and experiences and work together within each group. Like a company of touring actors who will play different parts in different plays. The actors remain the same but the roles are different each time. Ever experienced role reversal feelings? Like you are the parent despite being the child? This is often why we feel these things, we are remembering a different lifetime, a different role on some cellular memory level.

Maybe you have felt a connection or a pull at the solar plexus or heart when you met someone for the first time, or a feeling like you have known them forever,” an instant rapport?

Even the use of the internet has brought soul groups together, so feeling a connection with someone on the other side of the world we never met is not so strange.

However, meeting someone on the same path is not quite the same as meeting someone in your soul group, there is a difference in the intensity of feeling. Some soul groups work together on similar goals for a time, collaborating on big spiritual shifts or global events that need great healing energy.

So how do we recognise someone from our soul group?

Well, another soul group member speaks the same language spiritually. It is their energy we recognise, not their appearance because we have similar spiritual goals and purpose to achieve in this lifetime. True soul recognition.

You feel like you met somewhere before (but know you didn’t).

You could find yourself finishing each others sentences, or having the same ideas at the same time, on the same subject, out of the blue.

Verbal or other forms of communication often overlap, e.g. phone calls, e-mails…

Quite often you will feel a pull towards that person which surpasses any emotional connection you could possibly have built up in the short time you have known them.

You have an awareness when you are around this person that you are going through something important together that will make you even more spiritually aware when that journey comes to an end.

Do you recognise anyone in your life now or in the past who belongs to your soul group? Think about those people who have created these feelings in you, and even if they are no longer in your life today, think about what knowing them this time around taught you.

Whether we have good or bad experiences with them doesn’t matter – the purpose in meeting them at all does. There’s great value in all of the experiences you will have had as a result of knowing each other again in this lifetime!”

04/05/20: UPDATE What Is Life Now? A True Horror Show

I’ve been putting writing this post off for a while now, there has been a lot of resistance within myself, stress, sleep deprivation and confusion of how I am to word this post of my current reality.

I have no idea how I am still alive.

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I can begin by stating that my life is absolute misery, pain, terror and a horror story. It’s all about how you perceive things but believe me, transfer your consciousness into this physical vehicle and you would go to the nearest train station, find the nearest rope, find as many pills as you can, find a cliff and jump. It’s pure torture, being whipped metaphorically by the devil and tormented and chained up. Every moment of everyday I am screaming and begging for it all to stop. If you continue reading, if you dare, you’ll find out why. Life is far from the pretty pictures of flowers and plants I post. It’s all pretend and fake; it makes me sick. I feel so misunderstood and of course we are all living our subjective experiences but there is no unity of connection or relation in my world. I feel so alone it’s like being in the underworld of Greek Mythology, in pitch black and no one can hear your screams, all they hear is your fake laughs and words. All I have ever wanted was peace. Instead I have gotten the very opposite. I have brought it on myself ultimately but of course I never wanted this.

I’m fucking proud of myself for getting this far. If I died today I would die in awe of how I have fought this battle and overcame absolute terrifying experiences. I am the weakest strongest person in a paradoxical sense.

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Daily I experience fibromyagia, this is a chronic pain condition with no cure, it causes burning sensations all over the body, fatigue and cognitive issues like memory problems. The pain in my body seems to be getting worse, I limp some days and can’t get out of bed. I can’t sleep because of the intense pain I am in. Invisible knives jab at me. I wake up and feel as if I have been in a car crash. This condition seems to be getting worse and I cannot cope with the level of pain I am in. Every single thing I do, move, breathe, eat, it screams at me from my limbs. Acid is burning away at my bones. I sit here with my whole body knotted up and my limbs creaking every stretch I take. It feels like I haven’t stretched in years. In a 20 year old body I feel about 70. Waking hurts, moving hurts, staying still hurts. Every single second is agony and unbearable. My knees feel like some unseen force is grinding them dowon with a big chisel and drilling into them. My ankles feel as if they have been squeezed and chained up in cuffs. My spine is so sore every step I take it aches like a thousand bruises line my back. My neck can barely hold my head up. Every part of my body burns 24/7. No medication, no therapies, nothing works and I feel like I am chasing my own tail, going round and round in circles.

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I can’t sleep. For the past three weeks since I left the city and you because I had to, I have had insomnia. Four hours here, three hours here. I brought a new duvet, new soft pillows and they help a bit, I’ve started to get 6 hours of sleep that is broken into parts. I wake around 2pm every night and cannot get back to sleep until around four or five am in the morning. My mind is so active and hyper, it won’t settle down. The evenings are scary, I don’t know if I’ll be alone awake all night by myself, staring at the ceiling wishing I was dead. I yearn for sleep, to go unconsciousness so I don’t have to deal with this reality anymore. All my sleep problems started when I travelled to The Netherlands and lived in a squat; all day everyday there was loud techno music playing constantly. I’ve been on high alert since. Along with copious amounts of trauma and homelessness in various countries no wonder I cannot sleep. I was smoking weed for the past two years on and off here and there to sleep, to cope with the fibromyalgia pain and to escape from the misery of my reality. I’m three weeks clean from cannabis now. I don’t want to smoke cannabis anymore, not for a long while. Maybe here and there sometimes but I realise that this plant is sacred and I want to use it in beneficial and respectful way in the fugue. I’m already up there you know, I’m already in the sky, I’m already able to see psychedelic visions and get high without cannabis.

I’ve moved back to my parents house, I’ve been here three weeks for reasons I do not need to disclose. I’ve come back to the place where all the trauma and pain started. I’ve been running away from this village and bedroom for years and always end up coming back. A lot has happened in this bedroom I am writing in, taking psychedelics, dark nights of the soul, spiritual awakenings and a whole truck load of pain. I’ve designed it with plants, new pillows, posters and wall art; materialism doesn’t change my mental health but all I could do was try. It is a beautiful room though but part of me wants to chuck it all out of the window.

I’ve started therapy and have help from a man who is very much spiritually aware for all the issues I deal with: fibromyaglia, PTSD, anorexia, OCD, traumas, insecurities from bullying and giving my power away. I am wary of therapy as I have had so much pain fro other human beings that I don’t trust anyone anymore, so in the beginning my therapist focused on me becoming a tree, stable and grounded, which is a common theme in my life I need to implement, I’ve punched pillows and tried to release all the anger I have inside. I’ve spent my whole life suppressing my feelings. I’ve been walked all over because of my empathy and kindness being abused. I have this deep inner anger welling up inside that I do not know what to do with. I am finally standing up for myself. Things that have happened to me, that I have experience are not okay. I have let people take advantage of my purity. Not anymore. All this trauma I have is stored inside of my body and manifested as fibromyalgia. I’m angry at myself for letting all this happen to me and for letting myself get fucked up so to say. Working with these too people I have expected more, they are not my friends, they are my helpers, I have to realise that. I’ve written letters to my young and older self and forgiven. I’ve visualised the places where I was bullied and told my younger self she is beautiful and these people who bullied me were projecting their insecurities onto me; I do not need to carry that baggage anymore. I need to stop trying to understand everything with my intellect and just let thing be. I need to let go of the same of having sex with men when I was younger and being taken advantage of; I was a lost young girl who was searching for human connection. I need to observe my thoughts and choose which ones are good for me. I need to set boundaries and know that it is okay to say no. The voice telling me that I have to do things is my ego (edging away from god). Breaking down is waking up or breaking through.

I’m going through weed withdrawals. I can’t sleep well, I now get around five or six hours instead of two, none or three. I have to wait it out. I’m waking up drenched in sweat, I feel weird in the evenings and don’t know what to do with myself. I have had thoughts that I am going crazy. I am now three weeks clean, I hope dear god that I can sleep. I’ve never been addicted to cannabis, however I had used it as a crutch and have been dependent on it.

My periods are awful these days. I’ve now been bleeding for ten days which is very unusual and disturbing as they usually last at the maximum four or five days. My hormones are completely out of wack. I get aggressive energy when I’m bleeding and my suicidal thoughts increase to the point where it is unbearable. The pain in my ovary area is immensely horrific, I curl up into a ball and beg for the pain to stop; if I could describe it, it would be lightning bolts of electric volts attacking my lower area. I take paracetamol when I have to but it doesn’t do much. I get more manic and scatty too. It is truly diabolical.

Everyday I experience this: manic episodes, manic depressive episodes, racey thoughts, paranoia (a little because I’ve had so much trauma that I don’t trust people), headaches, blurry vision, diminished senses, eye pain, burning pain all over my body, sleep problems, memory loss, cognitive issuses, heart pain, lowering of the heart rate, nausea, feeling sick after I eat, swollen breasts, severe back pain, anxiety, flat mooded with no emotions, completely numb and dead. Reality does not feel real. Dissociation. Depersoanlisation. Derealisation. Panic attacks of impending doom on my chest, Forgetting where I am and who I am. Tracers of people’s past movements for three seconds. Confusion. Nightmares. Vivid dreams of Orwellian realities. Pain. Ghost-like mood where it feels as if I don’t exist, claircognizance (knowing when things happen before they happen), knowing what people are thinking, knowing all a person’s problems just by stepping outside and seeing them and feeling their aura. I am so sensitive and delicate. I notice the slightest change in energy and if it feels like bad energy I want to kill myself. Suicidal thoughts every ten minutes or five minutes. Loneliness. Fear. I am petrified. I shake, have muscle tremors, I feel the list just goes on and on. Starved of spirit, life force and human connection. I can only eat around ten foods or else my face will swell up. I’m terrified of having a psychotic episode because of all this

It’s as if everyone around me is living their lives and mine is trapped in a cage and the oxygen is disappearing, I’m gasping for air. It

Time seems to be speeding up, I can’t grasp it.

I’ve been in a mental car crash for these whole twenty years of my life. I don’t feel twenty, I feel 16 but also 90 at the same time.

The lock-down I believe is bullshit. Yes, I think there is a virus but I don’t think it is as bad as what the media states it is. There is a big battle going on between the light and dark. On my blog some beautiful quotes have been replaced by dead bodies or something dark when I look back thirty minutes later and I change it back. The spiritual healer I work with says it could be spirits trying to push me over the edge.. I know they can interfere with technology. Something strange is going on.

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I am currently on three medications: Pregablin (an anti-anxiety, nerve pain reducer, anti-epilepsy drug) at 400mg, 200mg twice a day. Diazapam (anti-anxiety, muscle relaxant) at 10mg, 5mg twice a day and if I cannot cope with the reality I experience. Zopiclone (sleeping pills) at 7.5mg as I cannot sleep properly and have PTSD flashbacks. I also take magnesium supplements at 300mg and Vitamin D at 10mg because after a test at the doctors they found out I had a severe deficiency. I do not like taking highly addictive medication however desperate people do desperate things. I was offered no help when I came back messed up from travelling except pills. I’ve been on so many different ones that I have lost count. There was no help, left in the cold with pills. I had nothing else to help me survive. I want to come off them but I’m stuck with them at the moment as I am not stable enough to come off them. They barely help me function day to day, I don’t feel right without them.. They have gotten me to where I am today at least. I experience nasty side effects like suicidal ideation, increased suicidal thoughts, constipation, feeling constantly nauseous, no appetite then increased appetite that is scatty, feeling lethargic, depressed, on edge, agitated. I am disgusted that I have gotten no help from the NHS and all I have is pills. I went to four meetings at a young peoples centre connected with the NHS in the local city and the meetings consisted of filling out forms, ridiculous and I asked for a letter to go with my benefit money appeal and instead got a girls suicide notes.

I’ve written many emails to shamans and spiritual healers from around the UK and world. I’ve had some beautiful responses that I have already posted on my blog, but some have been hard hitting with the truth. I hope to be able to discern which messages and people are right for me and can work with me. Tomorrow I have two sessions with two shamans; one is doing psychic surgery on me with his spirit allies (I know this may sound wacky but this is my soul path regarding spirituality and shamanism). I don’t know where this will lead me, I just hope something changes, I pray something changes. I don’t have faith in any of them because I’ve been let down so so so many times in the past.

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Living in a room in my parents is making me go loopy. I pace up and down like an animal getting exercise, I watch videos, study, try and function when I feel like my brain is breaking down. I am completely lonely and isolated, I have no friends or anyone to truly speak to anymore. Night times are awful, as I mentioned, I cannot sleep, I dread life and sleep.

How do I cope? I live for the next cigarette, for the next meal, for the next blog post, for the next banging on my djembe drums, for the next sleep, for the next conversation, the next piece of information. I bike or walk (sometimes limp from the amount of pain I am in) to get out of this bedroom and my mind half expects to see you in the woods or by the pond. I walk away feeling disheartened and in pain. I curl up into a ball and cry out for help everyday, I lie staring at the ceiling wishing it could all end. I also cope by knowing that I can kill myself, I’m just scared that it will go wrong and I’ll wake up in hospital or have brain damage.

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I want to kill myself. I want to live but the pain is drowning me. I know the fifth attempt is coming, the right opportunity. I am scared that it won’t work but I’ve had some experience in this and know what I have to do. I will die alone as I was born alone in complete fear and misery. If someone revives me I will be VERY angry. If that attempt fails I will have to resort to lying on train tracks to finish me off. Of course I have a conscience and feel sick that the driver would have to experience that. However, I feel like I have no escape from this pain and it would be my last resort. I will find a way to finish myself off. It is suicide out of self-love and it’s hard maybe for people to grasp this concept and understand. I want to die out of self-love and release myself, find peace from the pain I am in. At any moment I feel I could impulsively go.

I wish I could be friends with you Michael. What will be will be.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel paralized by confusion going round and around and round and around and round in circles.

I try my best and get up everyday. I am so proud of my being but also want to die so badly.

Standing up for myself these days has given me a little personal power back. For example standing up to people who have hurt me, letting them know that they are no better than anyone else. We are all one. We are all infinite consciousness and love experiencing itself through these individual souls we have.

Yes, it’s fucked up. My blog is raw and that’s it. What do I do?

I wish I was you.

Have a good life,

Amber

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Dear Michael

Dear Michael,

It’s sad it has to be this way. I thought we could be friends. I tried over and over again for our connection to work. I was scared, things are unstable and scatty. I just want peace between us.

Take care of yourself and elevate. Follow your soul path. I hope you discover your soul and grow and flourish into the man you are meant to be.

I’ll remember the beautiful moments we shared. The ceremony with the crows, the nights out, the love making and laughter. I’ll miss your smile and glassy blue eyes. I’ll miss your adventurous side. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss your smell. I’ll miss your laugh. I’ll miss observing you. I’ll miss your warm hugs. I’ll miss our spiritual discoveries. I’ll miss our cherry beers after work. I’ll miss feeling weird inside when I see you. I’ll miss being a part of your life. I’ll miss meeting you off the bus or train. I’ll miss your face. I’ve always wanted you in my life. I just couldn’t cope with the amount of pain I am dealing with and having our issues on top of that. I hope you understand.

I know you have been traumatised by your past and I hope therapy heals you.

The past is the past. It is done. The lessons are learnt. Yes, I was hurt and yes I was angry. But it is the past. The film clip played over and the tape is still running.

Your behaviour was not OK, we know this. Our pain also drowned us both. The reason I am writing this letter is because the truth is I am scared of you, the recklessness, not being mindful of my health and mind. I needed a friend to be listened to. I thought I would be protected when I felt the opposite was true. When I’m with you I don’t know how It will go. I am free. I am drained and worn out by your behaviour towards me. I don’t want to drag up the past, you know the truth of what happened. It could have been beautiful and I tried my best. I am angry and its natural to feel that way, It will go and fly away into oblivion on its natural cpurse

I wish we could be friends.

You were my crutch and I have to stand on my own two feet.

I know we caused each other pain, lost in our own issues. But I hope I helped you in some way dear soul.

You’ll be in my broken and weary heart that struggles to beat these days. Tears prick my sore and aching eyes.

I believe in you and wish you well. I hope you find peace in your mind, body and soul dear one. You will do great things in this world: to be a lightworkwer, to be a lyrical magician with your music, you will inspire many. Blessed.

Happy birthday for Thursday, thirty three years around the sun and many more. I will be at the pond on Thursday. Follow your heart and do what you feel is right.

Thank you.

Love is the answer, cheers.

Amber