Getting Unhooked From Thoughts

too many thoughts gif | Tumblr

Getting hooked means getting caught up in thinking and losing touch with what is happening outside of our minds. When we get hooked by unwanted thoughts it is as though they push us around or bully us, like a critical coach who stands on the sidelines giving harsh feedback.

Getting unhooked means stepping back from our minds and experiencing our thoughts without evaluating them, trying to change them, or pushing them away. That is, paying attention to the experience of having the thoughts, rather than focusing on their meaning (for example, “there must be something wrong with me).

That doesn’t mean you have to like or want the thought. It is more to do with acknowledging that you are having the thought and that pushing it away may not have been very helpful. The more you resist, the more the thought persists.

QUOTES: Sun Tzu

Sun Tzu was a Chinese general, military strategist, writer and philosopher who lived in the Eastern Zhou period of ancient China. Sun Tzu is traditionally credited as the author of The Art of War, an influential work of military strategy that has affected both Western and East Asian philosophy and military thinking.

lookaside.fbsbx.com/lookaside/crawler/media/?me...

The good fighters of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat, and then waited for an opportunity of defeating the enemy.


All warfare is based on deception.


The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.


Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.
Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.


Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.


Opportunities multiply as they are seized.


The opportunity to secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, but the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.


There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare.

How To Heal The Traumatized Brain?

“Approximately 50 percent of the population will experience a traumatic event at some point in their lives. While reactions to trauma can vary widely, and not everyone will develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), trauma can change the brain in some predictable ways that everyone should be aware of, especially if you or someone close to you is struggling to cope after trauma. With increased awareness, you can seek treatment to address your symptoms and learn skills that could actually rewire your brain for recovery. Additionally, knowing what’s going on can be immensely helpful because it may help you realize that you’re not crazy, irreversibly damaged, or a bad person. Instead, you can think of a traumatized brain as one that functions differently as a result of traumatic events. And just as your brain changed in response to your past experiences with the world, it can also change in response to your future experiences. In other words, the brain is “plastic,” and you can change it.

3 Areas to Know

Trauma can alter brain functioning in many ways, but three of the most important changes appear to occur in the following areas:

  1. The prefrontal cortex (PFC), known as the “Thinking Center”
  2. The anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), known as the “Emotion Regulation Center” 
  3. The amygdala, known as the “Fear Center”

The PFC, or thinking center, is located near the top of your head, behind your forehead. It’s responsible for abilities including rational thought, problem-solving, personality, planning, empathy, and awareness of ourselves and others. When this area of the brain is strong, we are able to think clearly, make good decisions, and be aware of ourselves and others.

The ACC, or emotion regulation center, is located next to the prefrontal cortex, but is deeper inside the brain. This area is responsible (in part) for regulating emotion, and (ideally) has a close working relationship with the thinking center. When this region is strong, we are able to manage difficult thoughts and emotions without being totally overwhelmed by them. While we might want to send a snarky email to a coworker, the emotion regulation center reminds us that this is not a good idea, and helps us manage our emotions so that we don’t do things we regret.

Finally, the amygdala, a tiny structure deep inside our brain, serves as its fear center. This subcortical area is outside of our conscious awareness or control, and its primary job is to receive all incoming information – everything you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste – and answer one question: “Is this a threat?” If it detects that a dangerous threat is present, it produces fear in us. When this area is activated, we feel afraid, reactive, and vigilant.

What’s Going on in a Traumatized Brain

Traumatized brains look different from non-traumatized brains in three predictable ways:

  1. The Thinking Center is underactivated,
  2. The Emotion Regulation Center is underactivated
  3. The Fear Center is overactivated.

What these activations indicate is that, often, a traumatized brain is “bottom-heavy,” meaning that activations of lower, more primitive areas, including the fear center, are high, while higher areas of the brain (also known as cortical areas) are underactivated. In other words, if you are traumatized, you may experience chronic stress, vigilance, fear, and irritation. You may also have a hard time feeling safe, calming down, or sleeping. These symptoms are all the result of a hyperactive amygdala.article continues after advertisement

At the same time, individuals who are traumatized may notice difficulties with concentration and attention, and often report they can’t think clearly. This, not surprisingly, is due to the thinking center being underactivated.

Finally, survivors of trauma will sometimes complain that they feel incapable of managing their emotions. For example, if someone spooks them, they may experience a rapid heart rate long after the joke is up, or may have a hard time “just letting go” of minor annoyances. Even when they want to calm down and feel better, they just can’t. This is in large part due to a weakened emotion regulation center.

What You Can Do Now

Changing the brain takes effort, repetition, and time. The best gift you can give yourself toward this goal is psychotherapy. If you’re ready to start that journey, look for a psychologist who specializes in trauma and PTSD, and who uses evidence-based methods that change the brain by working with both the body and the mind.

Also, consider adding a body-based or mindfulness-based technique to your daily routine, to help begin deactivating the fear center. This is a vital first step to healing, as when we are able to quiet the fear center, we are better able to work on strengthening and activating the thinking center and emotion regulation center. Two such exercises include diaphragmatic breathing and autogenic training. (Access free, guided practices of these techniques HERE.) The recommendation is to practice these techniques, or similar ones, for short periods of time multiple times per day. Remember, practice makes progress.”

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/workings-well-being/201703/how-heal-the-traumatized-brain#:~:text=Instead%2C%20you%20can%20think%20of,and%20you%20can%20change%20it.

PHONE ADDICTION

“Cell phones have become such powerful and versatile tools that, for many people, they feel literally indispensable.

In fact, it’s easy to feel like you’re the one who’s lost when you can’t find your phone. So, how do you know whether your attachment to your phone is just a 21st century cultural phenomenon or a genuine, life-altering addiction?

To figure out the answer, let’s take a look at what current research has to say. Also, we’ll take a closer look at the symptoms of phone overuse, the side effects, and how to break the hold your phone may have on your daily life.


Is cell phone addiction really a thing?
Pew Research Center reports that 81 percent of Americans now own smartphones — up from just 35 percent in 2011. And, over the past 5 years, Google Trends indicates that searches for “cell phone addiction” have likewise been rising.

And pathological phone use has given rise to a raft of new terminology, such as:

-nomophobia: the fear of going without your phone
-textaphrenia: the fear that you can’t send or receive texts
-phantom vibrations: the feeling that your phone is alerting you when it really isn’t
There’s little doubt that excessive cell phone use is a problem for lots of people.

But there’s some debate among medical and mental health professionals about whether problematic cell phone use is truly an addiction or the result of an impulse control issue.



Many medical experts are reluctant to assign the word “addiction” to anything other than habitual substance misuse.

However, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the handbook used in the medical community to diagnose mental disorders) does recognize one behavioral addiction: compulsive gambling.

It’s worth noting that there are some important similarities between cell phone overuse and behavioral addictions like compulsive gambling. The similarities include:

-loss of control over the behavior
-persistence, or having real difficulty limiting the behavior
tolerance, the need to engage in the behavior more often to get the same feeling
-severe negative consequences stemming from the behavior
-withdrawal, or feelings of irritability and anxiety when the behavior isn’t practiced
-relapse, or picking up the habit again after periods of avoidance
SUMMARY
There’s some debate in the medical community as to whether phone overuse is an addiction or impulse control issue.

There are, however, a lot of similarities between phone overuse and other behavioral addictions, like compulsive gambling.

The dopamine connection
And there’s another similarity between behavioral addiction and cell phone overuse: the triggering of a chemical in the brain that reinforces the compulsive behavior.



Your brain contains several pathways that transmit a feel-good chemical called dopamine when you’re in rewarding situations. For many people, social interaction stimulates the release of dopamine.

Because so many people use their phones as tools of social interaction, they become accustomed to constantly checking them for that hit of dopamine that’s released when they connect with others on social media or some other app.

App programmers are counting on that drive to keep you checking your phone. Some apps even withhold and release social reinforcements, such as “likes” and “comments,” so we receive them in an unpredictable pattern. When we can’t predict the pattern, we check our phones more often.

That cycle can lead to a tipping point: when your phone ceases to be something you enjoy and becomes something you’re virtually compelled to use.

SUMMARY
Your brain releases a chemical called dopamine when it feels rewarded.

Some phone apps are designed in a way to keep you coming back again and again for positive social reinforcements that can trigger the release of dopamine in your brain.


Who is at greatest risk?

What researchers do agree on is the fact that adolescents are more likely to demonstrate addiction-like symptoms with their cell phone use than other age groups.

Studies show that cell phone use peaks during the teen years and gradually declines thereafter.

Excessive cell phone use among teens is so common that 33 percent of 13-year-olds never turn off their phone, day or night. And the younger a teen acquires a phone, the more likely they are to develop problematic use patterns.

For girls, dependent use patterns may develop because phones become important tools of social interaction, whereas boys demonstrate a greater tendency to use phones in risky situations.



SUMMARY
Teenagers tend to overuse their phones more than other age groups. Studies show the earlier a teen starts using a phone, the higher the risk of problematic use patterns.

Who else is at risk?

A review of the available research revealed that several personality traits and conditions have been associated with problematic cell phone use.

These personality traits include:

-low self-esteem
-low impulse control
-anxiety
-depression
-being highly extroverted
Researchers point out it’s not always clear whether the problems with cell phone overuse are causing these conditions, or whether the conditions themselves make people more vulnerable to overuse.


Symptoms of phone addiction
So, how can you tell if you have an overuse problem with your phone?

Some of the telltale signs include the following:

-You reach for your phone the moment you’re alone or bored.
-You wake up multiple times at night to check your phone.
-You feel anxious, upset, or short-tempered when you can’t get to your phone.
-Your phone use has caused you to have an accident or injury.
-You’re spending more and more time using your phone.
-Phone use interferes with your job performance, schoolwork, or relationships.
-People in your life are concerned about your phone use patterns.
-When you try to limit your use, you relapse quickly.


What are the side effects of phone addiction?
One of the hallmarks of any addiction is keeping up the compulsive behavior, even when it can cause severe negative consequences.

Take, for example, the risks associated with texting while driving. The Centers for Disease Control and PreventionTrusted Source report that texting while driving is a triple threat, because it causes you to take:

-your eyes off the road
-your hands off the wheel
-your mind off driving
That kind of distraction kills nine people every single day. It also injures many more.

The dangers of using a cell phone while driving are widely known, yet people ignore the risk in pursuit of the small jolt of connectedness a phone provides.

Other consequences
ResearchTrusted Source has shown that people who overuse cell phones may experience:

anxiety
depression
sleep deficits and insomnia
relationship conflicts
poor academic or work performance
That list doesn’t take into account the many ways cell phone compulsions subtly affect your life.

One studyTrusted Source showed, for example, that your ability to concentrate on important job-related tasks is “significantly disrupted” by phone notifications, even if you don’t interact with your phone.


How to break the addiction

If your phone habits are interfering with your health, relationships, and responsibilities, it might be time to make some changes.

The good news is that there are steps you can take to change the way you interact with your phone to help limit the negative impacts on your life.

First, find out if there are underlying worries
ResearchersTrusted Source believe that people who compulsively use cell phones may be trying to avoid issues in their lives that feel too difficult or complicated to resolve.

So, one of the first things to consider is whether there’s something deeper bothering you. Resolving the underlying issue could be the key to reducing your anxiety.

Knowing what’s truly bothering you could help reduce your need to compulsively text, buy, pin, tweet, swipe, or post.

Consider cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
This therapeutic approach helps illuminate the links between your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. It can be a very effective type of therapy to help you change certain behavior patterns.

At least one small study suggests that CBT may be effective in balancing changes in brain chemistry associated with cell phone addiction.

If you think this type of therapy may help you, talk with your primary care doctor about where or how you can find a therapist.

Try these other practical steps
-Remove time-consuming apps from your phone and access them through a device you don’t carry with you all day.
-Change your settings to eliminate push notifications and other disruptive alerts.
-Set your screen to gray scale to keep it from waking you at night.
-Place some barriers around your phone use that force you to think about what you’re doing. For example, you could create lock screen questions, like “Why now?” and “What for?”
-Keep your phone out of sight. Charge your phone somewhere besides your bedroom.
-Develop hobbies that feed your soul. Replace the games and social media apps with hands-on, real-world activities, like meeting up with friends, creating music or art, or doing volunteer work.
-Adopt a growth mindset. Brief relapses, adjustments, and withdrawal symptoms are part of a journey toward healthier phone use. Don’t expect to get it right immediately. Expect some setbacks, and learn from each experience.
When to seek help
It’s always OK to reach out for help when you’re dealing with any issue that concerns you, or that you feel you don’t have control over.

If you’re noticing symptoms of addiction or dependence, or if the people in your life are talking to you about the amount of time you spend on your phone, it may be a good idea to ask for help.

Consider reaching out to a therapist or your doctor, checking out a self-help guide, or following a digital detox program.


The bottom line

Problematic cell phone use shares a lot of characteristics with behavioral addictions like compulsive gambling.

People who develop a dependent pattern of phone use typically experience a loss of control. They often find that their cell phone habits are causing real damage in their lives.

If your phone use has become problematic, or if it feels like it’s become an addiction, there are steps you can take to retrain yourself to use your phone in healthier ways.

Cognitive behavioral therapy and digital detox programs can both be very effective at reclaiming a sense of control over your phone use.

Feel that phantom ringing? It’s a productive, restful life calling. It’s OK to answer it.”

MENTAL HEALTH: What Are Panic Attacks?

What is a panic attack?
Panic attacks are a type of fear response. They’re an exaggeration of your body’s normal response to danger, stress or excitement.

“I can’t sleep due to panic attacks and nightmares. When I fall asleep within an hour I am up, soaked, heart racing and shaking.”

What do panic attacks feel like?
During a panic attack, physical symptoms can build up very quickly. These can include:

-a pounding or racing heartbeat
-feeling faint, dizzy or light-headed
-feeling very hot or very cold
-sweating, trembling or shaking
-nausea (feeling sick)
-pain in your chest or abdomen
-struggling to breathe or feeling like you’re choking
-feeling like your legs are shaky or are turning to jelly
-feeling disconnected from your mind, body or surroundings (these are types of dissociation)

During a panic attack you might feel very afraid that you’re:

-losing control
-going to faint
-having a heart attack
-going to die.

“My teeth would chatter uncontrollably and my whole body [would] tremble, I’d hyperventilate and cry with panic as the feeling that I was going to fall unconscious was so convincing.”

You might find that you become scared of going out alone or to public places because you’re worried about having another panic attack. If this fear becomes very intense, it may be called agoraphobia (see our pages on phobias for more information).

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I just wanted to get out, to go somewhere else, but I couldn’t because I was on a train.”

When might I have panic attacks?
Panic attacks can happen during the day or night. Some people have one panic attack then don’t ever experience another, or you might find that you have them regularly, or several in a short space of time. You might notice that particular places, situations or activities seem to trigger panic attacks. For example, they might happen before a stressful appointment.

Most panic attacks last between 5–20 minutes. They can come on very quickly. Your symptoms will usually peak (be at their worst) within 10 minutes. You might also experience symptoms of a panic attack over a longer period of time. This could be because you’re having a second panic attack, or you’re experiencing other symptoms of anxiety.

“My panic attacks seem to come out of the blue now. But in fact, they seem to be triggered mainly at night when I want to go to sleep but cannot stop my mind racing, experiencing worry and panic about anything that may be on my mind.”

What helps to manage panic attacks?
Panic attacks can be frightening, but there are things you can do to help yourself cope. It could help to keep print these tips out and keep them somewhere easy to find.

During a panic attack:

-Focus on your breathing. It can help to concentrate on breathing slowly in and out while counting to five.
-Stamp on the spot. Some people find this helps control their breathing.
-Focus on your senses. For example, taste mint-flavoured sweets or gum, or touch or cuddle something soft.
-Try grounding techniques. – Grounding techniques can help you feel more in control. They’re especially useful if you experience dissociation during panic attacks.

After a panic attack:

-Think about self-care. It’s important to pay attention to what your body needs after you’ve had a panic attack. For example, you might need to rest somewhere quietly, or eat or drink something.
-Tell someone you trust. If you feel able to, it could help to let someone know you’ve had a panic attack. It could be particularly helpful to mention how they might notice if you’re having another one, and how you’d like them to help you.

What is panic disorder?
If you’re having lots of panic attacks at unpredictable times and there doesn’t seem to be a particular trigger or cause, you might be given a diagnosis of panic disorder. It’s common to experience panic disorder and agoraphobia (a type of phobia) together. People who experience panic disorder may have some periods with few or no panic attacks, but have lots at other times.

Panic disorder and high sensitivity
Some research suggests that people who have panic disorder might be very sensitive to sensory experiences (such as sunlight, smells and changes in the weather), but there’s not enough evidence yet to say for sure. Also it’s not clear whether having a high level of sensitivity to these sorts of things is something that might cause you to develop panic disorder, or whether it may be an effect of having it.”

Source: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/panic-attacks/

14/05/20: A Night Of Terrors, Nightmares & Sleep Paralysis

This past night was awful. I slept for an hour and a half, woke up and was wide awake. I felt depressed, flat, ghostly and completely empty looking at the ceiling, bored of endless nights awake, scared, alone and missing Michael. But that’s that. I had sleep paralysis twice in one night; my mind was awake but my body felt like it was being pressed down. The more fearful I got, the more the paralysis got worse. When I said “I love myself” in my head, the sleep paralysis started to ease off. Fear feeds the monsters, love makes them edge away. I felt a dark presence around me. It was scary. I felt as if I was trapped in that sleep paralysis dimension and that I was dead and dying. I spent time thinking about you, “my protector who was,” tears pricked my lower face, I scrunched it up and wanted to scream from my heart. I’m really looking forward to this day.

04/05/20: UPDATE What Is Life Now? A True Horror Show

I’ve been putting writing this post off for a while now, there has been a lot of resistance within myself, stress, sleep deprivation and confusion of how I am to word this post of my current reality.

I have no idea how I am still alive.

Depression suicide soul GIF - Find on GIFER

I can begin by stating that my life is absolute misery, pain, terror and a horror story. It’s all about how you perceive things but believe me, transfer your consciousness into this physical vehicle and you would go to the nearest train station, find the nearest rope, find as many pills as you can, find a cliff and jump. It’s pure torture, being whipped metaphorically by the devil and tormented and chained up. Every moment of everyday I am screaming and begging for it all to stop. If you continue reading, if you dare, you’ll find out why. Life is far from the pretty pictures of flowers and plants I post. It’s all pretend and fake; it makes me sick. I feel so misunderstood and of course we are all living our subjective experiences but there is no unity of connection or relation in my world. I feel so alone it’s like being in the underworld of Greek Mythology, in pitch black and no one can hear your screams, all they hear is your fake laughs and words. All I have ever wanted was peace. Instead I have gotten the very opposite. I have brought it on myself ultimately but of course I never wanted this.

I’m fucking proud of myself for getting this far. If I died today I would die in awe of how I have fought this battle and overcame absolute terrifying experiences. I am the weakest strongest person in a paradoxical sense.

Falling In Mud GIFs | Tenor

Daily I experience fibromyagia, this is a chronic pain condition with no cure, it causes burning sensations all over the body, fatigue and cognitive issues like memory problems. The pain in my body seems to be getting worse, I limp some days and can’t get out of bed. I can’t sleep because of the intense pain I am in. Invisible knives jab at me. I wake up and feel as if I have been in a car crash. This condition seems to be getting worse and I cannot cope with the level of pain I am in. Every single thing I do, move, breathe, eat, it screams at me from my limbs. Acid is burning away at my bones. I sit here with my whole body knotted up and my limbs creaking every stretch I take. It feels like I haven’t stretched in years. In a 20 year old body I feel about 70. Waking hurts, moving hurts, staying still hurts. Every single second is agony and unbearable. My knees feel like some unseen force is grinding them dowon with a big chisel and drilling into them. My ankles feel as if they have been squeezed and chained up in cuffs. My spine is so sore every step I take it aches like a thousand bruises line my back. My neck can barely hold my head up. Every part of my body burns 24/7. No medication, no therapies, nothing works and I feel like I am chasing my own tail, going round and round in circles.

depressive gifs Page 2 | WiffleGif

I can’t sleep. For the past three weeks since I left the city and you because I had to, I have had insomnia. Four hours here, three hours here. I brought a new duvet, new soft pillows and they help a bit, I’ve started to get 6 hours of sleep that is broken into parts. I wake around 2pm every night and cannot get back to sleep until around four or five am in the morning. My mind is so active and hyper, it won’t settle down. The evenings are scary, I don’t know if I’ll be alone awake all night by myself, staring at the ceiling wishing I was dead. I yearn for sleep, to go unconsciousness so I don’t have to deal with this reality anymore. All my sleep problems started when I travelled to The Netherlands and lived in a squat; all day everyday there was loud techno music playing constantly. I’ve been on high alert since. Along with copious amounts of trauma and homelessness in various countries no wonder I cannot sleep. I was smoking weed for the past two years on and off here and there to sleep, to cope with the fibromyalgia pain and to escape from the misery of my reality. I’m three weeks clean from cannabis now. I don’t want to smoke cannabis anymore, not for a long while. Maybe here and there sometimes but I realise that this plant is sacred and I want to use it in beneficial and respectful way in the fugue. I’m already up there you know, I’m already in the sky, I’m already able to see psychedelic visions and get high without cannabis.

I’ve moved back to my parents house, I’ve been here three weeks for reasons I do not need to disclose. I’ve come back to the place where all the trauma and pain started. I’ve been running away from this village and bedroom for years and always end up coming back. A lot has happened in this bedroom I am writing in, taking psychedelics, dark nights of the soul, spiritual awakenings and a whole truck load of pain. I’ve designed it with plants, new pillows, posters and wall art; materialism doesn’t change my mental health but all I could do was try. It is a beautiful room though but part of me wants to chuck it all out of the window.

I’ve started therapy and have help from a man who is very much spiritually aware for all the issues I deal with: fibromyaglia, PTSD, anorexia, OCD, traumas, insecurities from bullying and giving my power away. I am wary of therapy as I have had so much pain fro other human beings that I don’t trust anyone anymore, so in the beginning my therapist focused on me becoming a tree, stable and grounded, which is a common theme in my life I need to implement, I’ve punched pillows and tried to release all the anger I have inside. I’ve spent my whole life suppressing my feelings. I’ve been walked all over because of my empathy and kindness being abused. I have this deep inner anger welling up inside that I do not know what to do with. I am finally standing up for myself. Things that have happened to me, that I have experience are not okay. I have let people take advantage of my purity. Not anymore. All this trauma I have is stored inside of my body and manifested as fibromyalgia. I’m angry at myself for letting all this happen to me and for letting myself get fucked up so to say. Working with these too people I have expected more, they are not my friends, they are my helpers, I have to realise that. I’ve written letters to my young and older self and forgiven. I’ve visualised the places where I was bullied and told my younger self she is beautiful and these people who bullied me were projecting their insecurities onto me; I do not need to carry that baggage anymore. I need to stop trying to understand everything with my intellect and just let thing be. I need to let go of the same of having sex with men when I was younger and being taken advantage of; I was a lost young girl who was searching for human connection. I need to observe my thoughts and choose which ones are good for me. I need to set boundaries and know that it is okay to say no. The voice telling me that I have to do things is my ego (edging away from god). Breaking down is waking up or breaking through.

I’m going through weed withdrawals. I can’t sleep well, I now get around five or six hours instead of two, none or three. I have to wait it out. I’m waking up drenched in sweat, I feel weird in the evenings and don’t know what to do with myself. I have had thoughts that I am going crazy. I am now three weeks clean, I hope dear god that I can sleep. I’ve never been addicted to cannabis, however I had used it as a crutch and have been dependent on it.

My periods are awful these days. I’ve now been bleeding for ten days which is very unusual and disturbing as they usually last at the maximum four or five days. My hormones are completely out of wack. I get aggressive energy when I’m bleeding and my suicidal thoughts increase to the point where it is unbearable. The pain in my ovary area is immensely horrific, I curl up into a ball and beg for the pain to stop; if I could describe it, it would be lightning bolts of electric volts attacking my lower area. I take paracetamol when I have to but it doesn’t do much. I get more manic and scatty too. It is truly diabolical.

Everyday I experience this: manic episodes, manic depressive episodes, racey thoughts, paranoia (a little because I’ve had so much trauma that I don’t trust people), headaches, blurry vision, diminished senses, eye pain, burning pain all over my body, sleep problems, memory loss, cognitive issuses, heart pain, lowering of the heart rate, nausea, feeling sick after I eat, swollen breasts, severe back pain, anxiety, flat mooded with no emotions, completely numb and dead. Reality does not feel real. Dissociation. Depersoanlisation. Derealisation. Panic attacks of impending doom on my chest, Forgetting where I am and who I am. Tracers of people’s past movements for three seconds. Confusion. Nightmares. Vivid dreams of Orwellian realities. Pain. Ghost-like mood where it feels as if I don’t exist, claircognizance (knowing when things happen before they happen), knowing what people are thinking, knowing all a person’s problems just by stepping outside and seeing them and feeling their aura. I am so sensitive and delicate. I notice the slightest change in energy and if it feels like bad energy I want to kill myself. Suicidal thoughts every ten minutes or five minutes. Loneliness. Fear. I am petrified. I shake, have muscle tremors, I feel the list just goes on and on. Starved of spirit, life force and human connection. I can only eat around ten foods or else my face will swell up. I’m terrified of having a psychotic episode because of all this

It’s as if everyone around me is living their lives and mine is trapped in a cage and the oxygen is disappearing, I’m gasping for air. It

Time seems to be speeding up, I can’t grasp it.

I’ve been in a mental car crash for these whole twenty years of my life. I don’t feel twenty, I feel 16 but also 90 at the same time.

The lock-down I believe is bullshit. Yes, I think there is a virus but I don’t think it is as bad as what the media states it is. There is a big battle going on between the light and dark. On my blog some beautiful quotes have been replaced by dead bodies or something dark when I look back thirty minutes later and I change it back. The spiritual healer I work with says it could be spirits trying to push me over the edge.. I know they can interfere with technology. Something strange is going on.

Popular and Trending drowning Gifs on PicsArt

I am currently on three medications: Pregablin (an anti-anxiety, nerve pain reducer, anti-epilepsy drug) at 400mg, 200mg twice a day. Diazapam (anti-anxiety, muscle relaxant) at 10mg, 5mg twice a day and if I cannot cope with the reality I experience. Zopiclone (sleeping pills) at 7.5mg as I cannot sleep properly and have PTSD flashbacks. I also take magnesium supplements at 300mg and Vitamin D at 10mg because after a test at the doctors they found out I had a severe deficiency. I do not like taking highly addictive medication however desperate people do desperate things. I was offered no help when I came back messed up from travelling except pills. I’ve been on so many different ones that I have lost count. There was no help, left in the cold with pills. I had nothing else to help me survive. I want to come off them but I’m stuck with them at the moment as I am not stable enough to come off them. They barely help me function day to day, I don’t feel right without them.. They have gotten me to where I am today at least. I experience nasty side effects like suicidal ideation, increased suicidal thoughts, constipation, feeling constantly nauseous, no appetite then increased appetite that is scatty, feeling lethargic, depressed, on edge, agitated. I am disgusted that I have gotten no help from the NHS and all I have is pills. I went to four meetings at a young peoples centre connected with the NHS in the local city and the meetings consisted of filling out forms, ridiculous and I asked for a letter to go with my benefit money appeal and instead got a girls suicide notes.

I’ve written many emails to shamans and spiritual healers from around the UK and world. I’ve had some beautiful responses that I have already posted on my blog, but some have been hard hitting with the truth. I hope to be able to discern which messages and people are right for me and can work with me. Tomorrow I have two sessions with two shamans; one is doing psychic surgery on me with his spirit allies (I know this may sound wacky but this is my soul path regarding spirituality and shamanism). I don’t know where this will lead me, I just hope something changes, I pray something changes. I don’t have faith in any of them because I’ve been let down so so so many times in the past.

Pin on Dandelion

Living in a room in my parents is making me go loopy. I pace up and down like an animal getting exercise, I watch videos, study, try and function when I feel like my brain is breaking down. I am completely lonely and isolated, I have no friends or anyone to truly speak to anymore. Night times are awful, as I mentioned, I cannot sleep, I dread life and sleep.

How do I cope? I live for the next cigarette, for the next meal, for the next blog post, for the next banging on my djembe drums, for the next sleep, for the next conversation, the next piece of information. I bike or walk (sometimes limp from the amount of pain I am in) to get out of this bedroom and my mind half expects to see you in the woods or by the pond. I walk away feeling disheartened and in pain. I curl up into a ball and cry out for help everyday, I lie staring at the ceiling wishing it could all end. I also cope by knowing that I can kill myself, I’m just scared that it will go wrong and I’ll wake up in hospital or have brain damage.

Blood Drowning GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

I want to kill myself. I want to live but the pain is drowning me. I know the fifth attempt is coming, the right opportunity. I am scared that it won’t work but I’ve had some experience in this and know what I have to do. I will die alone as I was born alone in complete fear and misery. If someone revives me I will be VERY angry. If that attempt fails I will have to resort to lying on train tracks to finish me off. Of course I have a conscience and feel sick that the driver would have to experience that. However, I feel like I have no escape from this pain and it would be my last resort. I will find a way to finish myself off. It is suicide out of self-love and it’s hard maybe for people to grasp this concept and understand. I want to die out of self-love and release myself, find peace from the pain I am in. At any moment I feel I could impulsively go.

I wish I could be friends with you Michael. What will be will be.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel paralized by confusion going round and around and round and around and round in circles.

I try my best and get up everyday. I am so proud of my being but also want to die so badly.

Standing up for myself these days has given me a little personal power back. For example standing up to people who have hurt me, letting them know that they are no better than anyone else. We are all one. We are all infinite consciousness and love experiencing itself through these individual souls we have.

Yes, it’s fucked up. My blog is raw and that’s it. What do I do?

I wish I was you.

Have a good life,

Amber

Mud GIF - Find on GIFER