Hi, my name is Amber, I am a 20 year old human from the UK. I went travelling from May 2018 for one year and a half until July 2019 and nothing has been the same since.
This blog is my therapy, a place I can be myself in all its rawness. I needed a place to get out my inner world and publish it somewhere on this global cyberspace, for myself and for anyone else’s consolation out there.
This blog follows my recovery or down fall covering research on spirituality, philosophy, psychedelics, quotes, news, alternative therapies, medicines, life stories, spiritual resources and diary entries.
I’m a free-spirit, traveller, writer, photographer, philosopher, african djembe drummer, gardener, photographer, yogi, blogger and student of the universe who is searching for truth, knowledge, what it means to be human and what I am doing on this planet. I love to laugh and have deep, meaningful conversations.
My long-term vision since I was a young teenager is to travel Central America and South America from Mexico down to Peru and go to the Amazon Rainforest to study plant medicine, tribes and shamanism.
I’ve have a passion for knowledge and educating myself with many diverse interests covering psychology, yoga, gardening, african djembe drumming, shamanism, philosophy, djing, spirituality, astronomy, science, photography, music and beyond. I’ve taken many online courses and areas of study to try to gain an holistic view of the world from different perspectives.
My story began in a little village in England. I grew up having a “normal” family life. At around the age of 14 I started to isolate myself more and more from the world. I had had enough of small talk, bullying and always looked deeper into things. I recall crying and wailing like a wounded animal for years as a young child and I didn’t know why but had a suspicion it was from a past life. I recall spending lunchtimes and breaktimes alone in the school toilets reading and moving to different parts of the school or toilet blocks so I would be left alone and not bullyied or bothered reading books until the bell rang for classes. It was a very depressive, painful and lonely time although I felt safe in my own company and would never change it as I developed a lot as a person, it’s made me who I am today and I gained a lot of knowledge. I lost my beautiful long hair due to anorexia, I shaved it off, which was very traumatising as this hair was my identity but spirred my spiritual awakening as I questioned who I was and my identity without this hair. I developed a rare condition called AMP (amplified musculoskeletal pain) which caused a burning, tingling sensation all over my scalp. I isolated myself from everyone around me and spent most of my time in my bedroom. From morning to evening I devoured more and more information, studying science, religion, philosophy, spirituality, to find answers, to become knowledgeable and to create self-worth built on knowledge. I was a knowledge addict. If I didn’t get my fix of documentaries, research or if I didn’t feel I had learnt enough in a day I would feel abnormal and an uncomfortable feeling stirred in me. At this time I had a dark night of the soul, spending endless hours lost in the deepest depression, by myself, all I wanted was my own company – it was safe. I never spoke much for these four years in a bedroom, I didn’t go out much or socialise, I had forgotten the sound of my own voice. I studied psychedelics, enlightenment and only wanted to pursue self-awareness and understanding, to be enlightened so to say. I read channellings about the spirit world, the soul path and I realised I was following my unique soul path. Everything will be understood in the end, the tapestry of life will reveal itself I told myself. During this time I discovered Ayahuasaca (a South American entheogenic drink made out of Banisteriopsis caapi vine and other ingredients) when I stumbled upon a documentary. All these truth seekers taking this plant medicine brew in the jungle was something I felt I needed to do. I yearned for deeper wisdom, self-understanding and healing. This medicine called to me. I felt a calling. All I wanted to do was go to the jungle and study with shamans, participate in an apprenticeship and heal myself. All my teenage years were spent waiting to board a plane to Peru at 18. I wanted to put the past behind me and become a new person in the jungle. I yearned for the jungle, it felt like my home and still does. The bio-diversity, the beauty, the rawness, the purity and the wildness pulled. “Please take me home God,” I prayed. I said to my mum, “I want to go home.”
I had a sense of purity about me, having isolated myself. All this changed when I went out into the world.
At 17 I was so alone and craved human connection, I signed up to an online dating site and met up with five men. All I ever wanted was to have a friend and someone to talk to. I had two positive experiences and the rest were dark mixed with drugs and sex. I was lost and confused in a hazy forest. I also had my dreadlocks done in the local city and was taken advantage of, I willingly went along with it. Looking back now at 20, I know that it wasn’t right at all. But I’ve forgiven myself and understand why.
I yearned for soul nutrition, to travel, to experience new things, meet others who also had awakened to the spiritual dimension of life and decided to go to The Netherlands to do a work exchange in a hostel called KingKool in The Hague after messaging many places all over the world. I wanted to pass the time until I went to the jungle at 18 and gain independent travel experience. It was rather surreal and magical. Flying over England to Amsterdam felt very freeing and I felt a sense of magical anticipation for future events. It was a new feeling, other than the depression I had felt for all of my teenage years. That month was something I will never forget. Doing hostel work was tiring, walking up and down stairs, changing beds. However I met so many people: Italian immigrants who biked with me on the back to the beach at Scheveningen (a beach near The Hague city), Americans who I did magic truffles with and many different visitors from all over the world.. each day was full of new experiences. I still yearned for the jungle but I enjoyed walking freely after work across the city of The Hague. I loved that place. Little did I know it would be my home for a whole summer. I travelled to Spain a few weeks after this trip to do an eco-project in the mountains near Murcia in the East of Spain. I slept under stars, stayed with locals, built tire walls, made fires and experienced so much more than I knew living in a bedroom. Although I had a few panic moments of wanting to end my life, depression always lingered above my head.. I pulled through.
At 17 I explored psychedelics. Still in my bedroom in England I took a psychedelic on New Year’s Day and had an experience that changed my life. I set the intention to be enlightened. I don’t think I was ready for the wisdom learned although I educated myself on the psychedelic states. I had the recourses learnt from studying on how to handle the experience. There is a reason, I understand now, why we go through initiation, so we can be ready for the knowledge received. I saw an Indian Sadhu laugh at me from India on this psychedelic trip. Everything was GOD and is GOD and will be GOD. I saw my parents as myself, my bedroom desk as myself. There was noone to tell, all is one and beyond the concept of one. To understand you will have to experience it for yourself. I believe we are all on our journey back home and will understand what we need to know when the time is right. It was an enlightenment experience.
In 2018 I was fed up. The retreat centre in Peru that I was going to start volunteering and doing an apprenticeship at went bankrupt and I lost my flights as the travel company would only let me enter Peru with a return ticket. I had a one-way with no intention of ever coming back. I had little funds for a return, but crying to my mother on the phone she said she would pay for a return flight to reach my dream. But I had under an hour to sort the tickets out and the boarding gates were closing. I didn’t have enough time and my phone was slow. I felt completely crushed, my future obliterated, I stayed in Spain where I had to go to catch a connecting flight to Peru and was confused and distraught. I took a job with my cousin at a local theatre hall working in a cafe in early 2018 afterwards. I found it exasperatingly dull and I felt like a fish out of water.
At the end of April in 2018 I went to stay with a Dutch male friend I met while staying in The Netherlands the previous year; he suggested to me to come and stay with him in a squat in the city centre of Den Haag. I wanted to get out of England and never come back, find a job and earn money to save for my dream of going to the jungle. During this year and a half of travelling between May 2018 and July 2019 it felt like I had lived a lifetime, I went back and forth between England, The Netherlands, Portugal and Spain. Over this period I experienced living in black mold which made me very ill, chronic sleep deprivation, a new culture, hashish smoking, psychedelics, working at a beach bar and cafe. Little did I know it was the start of the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it. We went to Portugal in August 2018, I was very ill with allergies and unknown causes of symptoms and we were homeless. I did apple picking that was physically intense for my small body in The Netherlands in October 2018. We became homeless in The Hague and stayed in Rotterdam with a friend. It was an intense and turbulent time. I went back to England and back to The Netherlands again, then lived for a month in minus three behind The Hague city train station in a forest. I felt trapped and was deteriorating. We decided to travel to Spain to wait out the winter in 2018, we tried to do a B&B work exchange in San Sebastian, a city in the North of Spain, but it did not go well. Both of us fell ill with influenza and we met black mold again; I felt so weak. A spiritual woman said I had a spirit attachment at this time. I decided to stay with a community on the mountains in Spain and my male companion wanted to get help for his health in The Netherlands. On this mountain there was only a Spanish man along with a man and woman couple. I was alone a lot. It was freezing. I had health problems and body pain. The man on the mountain was frustrated with the mess I was. I did not feel comfortable. I had developed a hashish dependency and without it and my Dutch friend, I felt panicky. I will never forget the night when I asked the man I was travelling with for help and he put the phone down on me and said I will end up in a mental hospital. Our connection was getting more and more strained as I clutched onto him. I was devastated that night alone on the mountains, in the freezing cold in a barn with howling dogs and dark thoughts. But I know this man had hardly any money and he needed to get away to The Netherlands. But I think you would do anything for someone you love to protect them; speak soft words and comfort them. This man did get me to the Netherlands a week later and we stayed with a friend. I felt ill all the time, lost, confused, scared and after hearing a voice in my head, either my own inner voice, higher self, angel or guide, saying “go back,” “go home,” and returned to England to try and start a life there. When I got back I felt destroyed, I had panic attacks, my heart beated fast every day, I was on edge, anxious, had a lot of self-hatred, was scared, hopeless, suffered PTSD and fibromyalgia (wide spread body pain). Nothing felt real anymore, I lived in a horror dream world, I had problems thinking, I did not feel normal within myself at all and wanted to die. It was the most horriblest hell you can try to imagine. I tried to find work and did the best I could. African Djembe Drumming became a new hobby alongside yoga I did for four hours each morning to work out the body pain to no avail. I felt like I was going crazy. The living hell continued. At the end of April 2019, Santiago De Compostela, a pilgrimage walk in the North of Spain, was on the horizon for the Dutch man I had been travelling with. Being stuck in hell since January and after trying to commit suicide, he said I could join him. I did. I thought it would be healing. The reality was very different. I was smacked down in a Spainsh city, was betrayed by him with another woman and felt mentally abused. But I know it was hard for him to deal with me being in such a bad state. My mental health deteriorated and I was broken. I tried to take my life on this walk by drowning, I jumped into a lake from a high dam in the mountains. I panicked, struggled out, screamed for help and survived. I wish I had died that day. I left for England five days before finishing at Santiago De Compostela, where you have a finishing ceremony at the end of the 800km walk, as he told me to leave and I tried to take my own life again with an overdose of medication in England in July 2018. I ended up in the Norfolk and Norwich hospital spaced out. I survived. I wish I died on that 3rd attempt again. Here is a separate blog post with a brief overview of this time between 2017 to 2019: https://hardmedicinerawspirit.com/2019/07/26/what-is-life/
Since being in England from July 2019 I feel like I am in a hell realm. I feel like my soul has left my body. I have many symptoms that scare me: muscle tremors, shakes, headaches, head pressure, chronic body pain (tingling sensations of pain, like a burning pan is on my skin, like knives being jabbed into my skin all over, like acid wearing away my muscles), I feel dissociated and disorientated. I have memory blanks sometimes where I don’t recognise where I am fully or who I am. Reality is blurry. My memory is not so good. I feel on edge and hyperactivity a lot of the time with manic states. I cannot feel emotion, it is like being trapped in a numb decaying body. I cannot cry or feel anything except pain. No mood, completely flat-lined, transparent, like a ghost. My breathing is weak. Constant headaches and pressure. Third eye pressure. I am fatigued all of the time. I feel like I could collapse at any moment. I have racy thoughts that feel uncontrollable. I see tracers in my visual field, three seconds of someone’s previous position traced; I can see where someone has previously been. Spiritual abilities have awakened, claircognizance; I know when things will happen or information about events or people. I know by sensing peoples energy when they are lying or putting up a block. Sometimes I can sense someone’s aura or energetic field. I know how someone is feeling just by being with them or from a distance. I can connect with people so deeply. I feel detached from the world, depersonalized, dissociated, derealized, lost in a dream like state with no ground or foundation. Nothing feels real. The world feels grey and empty. It feels as if I have been on a hard drug for months like speed even though I haven’t. Strung out. On edge. Every day is panic for me. All I think about is killing myself as a way to relieve this pain. Survival mode. I have so much to give to the world and experience, but I cannot live like this, it is hell and unbearable. I know something has gone wrong in my body, a big neuro-chemical imbalance that makes me feel like I am trapped in a permanent state of a drug comedown. I’m scared and find all the things that come with human life scary. There is no pleasure, food does not taste the same, it tastes like plastic. People sometimes do not appear real, like plastic and giving a hug feels like someone is hugging a ghost. I wake in so much pain and go to sleep in so much pain. I have trouble sleeping and am using sleeping pills. I feel trapped in a dark realm. I am petrified and scared. I am afraid after using MDMA in Spain out of misery a few times or catching influenza that I have fucked my receptors up, my precious, developing brain up.. alongside having depression for many years as a teenager with trauma, stress, sleep deprivation and sleeping rough in the past year.
In October 2019 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition with many symtoms including brain fog, chronic fatigue and cognitive problems.
In August 2019 after Hellesdon Hospital monitored me for a month after trying to commit suicide when I came back to England, meeting me every other day, they left me with nothing except pills (Citalopram (an antidepressant) and Diazapam (anti-anxiety/ benzodiazapine), my previous doctor then gave me more medications, I took them because I was so desperate for relief from all this torture and pain mentally and physically. I didn’t know if they would work or not. Desperate people do desperate things. The haul of medications I currently survive and try to function on which I’ve been on since around July 2019 include 3 pharmaceuticals: Pregabalin (nerve pain, fibromyalgia and anti-anxiety) two times a day, 200mg in the morning at 8am and 200mg at 2pm at 400mg (the dose has been increased over the months which started in October 2019, Diazapam (relaxant, anti-anxiety, used for mania) 5mg in the morning at 8am and 5mg at 2pm then maybe 5mg in the afternoon or evening or when I need to stop a more manic mood at 10-15mg overall and Zopiclone (sleeping pills) before bed at 7.5mg. I take the supplements: Magnesium at 300mg, Vitamin D at 25ug as I had a severe deficiency in this vitamin in January 2020 and had to take 25000ug as an emergency dose and Zinc at 15mg in the morning. This cocktail is keeping me alive, but barely functioning. I don’t really know what they are doing or what is working. Nothing seems to work. Downers, suppressants and numbing agents. Also add in the mix cigarettes that I smoke to cope and I have been smoking cannabis in the evenings on and off since August 2019 to try to sleep and cope with unbearable mental, emotional and physical pain. I can’t drink alcohol now as when I drink I feel depressed, suicidal and it increases the body pain I have. Poison and medicine. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Best of two evils. I wish I never had to take these and felt good, free and healthy naturally. I’ve previous tried taking Citalopram (anti-depressant), Sertraline (anti-depressant), Quetiapine (Antipsychotic used for the treatment of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and major depressive disorder), Amitripline (anti-depressant), Venlafaxine (anti-depressant), CBD (a compound in cannabis) products, an oak homeopathic remedy and the supplements: 5-HTP (serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) at 100mg and Tyrosine (dopamine booster) at 150mg but nothing has helped. I also tried CBD hash but it made me feel sick and again, didn’t help the pain too much. I have been prescribed Fluroxitine (anti-depressant) at 20mg for mood and Mertazapine (sedative antidepressant) at 15mg but did not take them as I am done with more medications and am scared of taking anti-depressants from sour experiences in the past. I am lost and don’t know what these chemicals are doing and what ones to take. It’s a mess I somehow appear to have gotten into. I don’t like the chemicals in these drugs and they haven’t really helped me except numb, suppress and make me semi functional. Pharmaceuticals are not the solution.
Currently I am doing what I can to help myself, I tried councilling in 2019 but it didn’t give me coping mechanisms or provide clarity on the past, I was with a youth mental health team, part of the NHS, but every meeting consisted of filling out forms, instead of discharging myself I decided to stay as they are putting me on a waiting list for trauma therapy that takes 4 months to recieve, I somehow managed to work in a hippie shop from the end of July 2019 to not be isolated in a village and kill myself but lost my job at the end of January 2020 because they let me go to give someone else a chance to shine and I apparently wasn’t “on the ball enough.” They never gave me a true reason. I’ve tried alternative therapies such as massages, reiki, shamanic work, energy healing, gong baths and medications, I went to see osteopaths but nothing seems to work at all. The NHS has not helped me at all with my pain phsyically or mentally, left outside in the rain, forgotten and given medication. Day to day I find it hard to get past an hour but I try to write this blog as writing therapy, do gardening, drumming, drawing, stick and poke tattooing, photography, sleep, research, learn about spirituality, listen to music, watch videos, read, go for walks, speak into a dictaphone my journals to work into chapters for a book I want to write, try and not commit suicide, eat a vegan diet and smile through the pain everyday. Some days I can’t get out of bed, sometimes I find it hard to communicate because the medications make my mind feel numbed and blocked, I can’t really socialise or make friends because the pain I am in it makes it hard to do anything at all. I also cannot work right now, I am too weak and ill mentally and physically, I was signed off work for a year from March 2020. I pretend to be normal when I have to and am screaming inside every moment of everyday. Hell. I want to die and wish euthanasia was possible in this country. I don’t know what to do with my life or myself now.
I cannot concieve a future lost in a hazy cloud of fog crawling on the earth in the dark. I don’t know what is happening. I can do what I can, the rest I surrender to God. I pray to God, my soul, my higher self, my spirit guides and archangels everyday for healing to help me get through this and for me to feel normal again. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel normal. I will keep praying, to ask someone beyond this consciousness for help.
The past is the past. But what the fuck do I do with what is left over? What the fuck is this? I did not know this could even exist. Beyond words. WHAT THE HELL? I could not even believe this much pain was possible. I am still highly suicidal. I tried to take my life four times in 2019 by cutting, drowning, and two overdoses because the pain was and is too much, I want this to end. I do not know what I am doing with my life or what the future holds. I am in survival mode daily.
If I am still alive I want to be able to succeed in my personal goals of writing books, an article for a Dutch newspaper about my experience there, start a homeless charity in Norwich, bring more diverse music to Norwich and DJ, help people with mental illness, be a loving strong force in the world, travel, heal, love myself more, continue on the path of enlightenment, grow within myself, gain knowledge, study different topics, become a shamans apprentice, participate in an Ayahuasca ceremony, use plant medicine, speak truth, make documentaries, report on unreported issues in the world, do many things on my bucketlist, become an independent, humble, kind and a strong human woman. Above all to fulfil my purpose of becoming a shaman (a spiritual healer/medicine woman/medium).
I was told in October 2019 by a reiki master and some pyschics that I am to become a shaman in this life and my spirit animal is the Jaguar. I have a hard path ahead of me. The shaman is a medicine man or woman that is regarded as having access to, and influence in, the world of good and evil spirits, being able to heal people and enter altered states, but before that he has to go on an initiation process to cure himself to be able to help others. I have to put myself back together. In March 2020 a medium at a spiritual event told me I am a medium/clairvoyant/shaman and that I had a grandmother on the other side, in the spirit world. In this same month I was also told, somehow it came up, that on my dad’s side, my great great grandmother, was a “quack” which means someone who deals with herbal medicine, she could “see things” and people went to her if they had a problem.
At the end of August 2019 I met Michael in the local city, walking to work, down a street we will never forget. That day I wanted to kill myself, I prayed for an angel, for help and our eyes met; from there so much has been experienced. He saved me (after I tried to commit suicide at the end of 2019) and kept me alive. I believe I saved him and kept him alive. If we hadn’t met that day I would have probably built up the strength to lay on a train track and Michael’s life would have taken a turn for the worst regarding his previous addiction. We went on a crazy journey together. He took care of me when no one else did, showed me fun, let me be myself, show my shadow side to and showed compassion, made my heart pound and laugh hard. We had a ride regarding how ill I am and it wasn’t an easy time together, there were a lot of rough times, both of us dealing with our own issues. We lived in a jungle of over 70 plants that we built up over time in an apartment in Norwich. Here is a link to a post about our journey: https://hardmedicinerawspirit.com/2020/04/06/06-04-20-the-story-of-how-i-met-what-followed/
As of April 2020 during the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic lock-down in the UK, I am living back in the village I grew up in, back in the bedroom where my story began. I am trying to keep going everyday, it’s extremely tough, unbearable as an understatement, with fibromyalgia and mental health issues. I’ve started therapy once every week from April and have a guide who has helped me peel away the layers of pain and trauma to find my real self. Peeling away the layers of the onion. All through calls and Skype due to COVID-19.
I found out in May 2020 while working with a Shaman who undertook a shamanic journey that I was raped by two men on a beach in a past life. Maybe this is why I wailed and cried so much as a child like a wounded animal. I came into this life wounded.
At the end of May 2020 I messaged a dissociative disorder and trauma clinic. I filled in their score sheets and the results came back as highly indicative that I have dissociative identity disorder (DID) which used to be called multiple personality disorder. I’ve sent the results to my doctors practice and I could get the funding granted to have therapy as I cannot afford to go privately. I think that it is a label that might be invaluable for some people to understand the complexity of our being /self . If it is decided by ‘western’ medicine that I have DID and I need that diagnosis to receive funding for therapy to support yourself then fine. All of us are made up of many personalities and archetypes, because of soul loss and fragmentation due to trauma in our lives, these sometimes get confused as to which is dominant and when. We are working towards personality continuity, this is when you are fully in your power. We then chose our consistent self that is our presentation of ourselves that can cope with all aspects of life; when needed we can tap into the ‘other’ selves with ease. That is one perspective I have on DID. I think I am a beautiful human being who was damaged by trauma and have an unbalanced system; mental health services want to catagorize us into boxes instead of dealing with the unknown.
After much researching in May 2020 I believe I fit the critera of borderline personality disorder (BPD), a mental illness. It develops during adolescence or early adulthood. It’s marked by a pattern of emotional instability, impulsive behavior, distorted self-image, and unstable relationships.
According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the following criteria are all signs and symptoms of BPD: You frantically try to avoid real or imaginary abandonment, having a pattern of unstable relationships, alternating between idealizing and devaluing others in your relationships, having an unstable self-image or self-identity, acting impulsively in at least two areas of your life in ways that can be self-damaging, having a history of suicidal or self-mutilating behavior, frequent mood swings (they usually last for a few hours but may last for a few days or more), having severe and long-term feelings of emptiness, difficulty controlling your anger or you get severely angry without cause, you may feel angry all the time, display your anger frequently, or get in frequent physical fights, you have periods of stress-related paranoia or experience severe dissociation, dissociation occurs when you feel like your mind is detached from your emotions or body and you must meet at least five of the official criteria from the DSM to be diagnosed with BPD.
As of June 2020 I am currently living between two places; with my partner and my parents house in the countryside. I am working with a shaman, keeping trying therapy once a week and other avenues of healing but the pain all over my body is getting worse and I am extremely suicidal. I feel I have exhausted myself with trying many avenues to heal this broken soul. I discharged myself from Norwich Youth Team as the CBT/Trauma Therapy offered was not good at all: no regular weekly appointments, going through a child-like course book, lack of in- depth focus on the individual and it was going no where at all; it seemed pointless. I am left depressed, feeling dead, numb, dissociated, scared, miserable, anxious and done with it all. I don’t understand what has and is happening to me. I am just surviving and drowning.
I wonder if I have permanent damage and will never recover. I am terrfied I will be trapped in this hell for as long as I live which surely cannot be too much longer.
Have a good life,