20/06/20: How Horrendous & Terrifying

Today I woke after eating until I made myself sick last night and waves of nausea kept washing over me. I woke up in sweat, a nasty clammy suffocating sweat. I felt suicidal. I felt suffocated. Never will I do that ever again, I’ve been warned, I’ve been burnt. No. The reason I ate until I made myself sick? I was high, bored of eating around ten foods a day as I have intolerances and allergies to most things, I was under a lot of stress, pain (mental and physical), didn’t care anymore, had forgotten what it was like to eat so much in one sitting and was starving as I starve myself everyday from only limited foods I can eat. I am disgusted with myself. Totally disgusted. Today I could have went out into the sun and done the best I could, yet today and tomorrow is destroyed by my stupid actions. I have an eating disorder. I made myself sick. I’ve done it a few times in my life before now. I don’t see food as food, I think I see it as a form of control when everything in my life feels and seems out of my control. I am aware we create our own reality and all that spritual linguistic knowledge and experiential knowledge for that matter.

I feel so sick, so ill, so disgusted I just want to have peace and go now. I am so sick of the chronic pain, the unstable mess I am, the anxiety, the uncertainty and mess of the state of the world we are in, the lies and truths, the truths and lies mixed. I am sick of being misunderstood. Anyone who walked in my shoes would happily support euthanasia. TRUST.

I couldn’t eat today after making myself ill after last night and couldn’t take my regular medication. Not having pregablin at all today, when I am halting the dosage was absolutely terrifying. I just took a single 200mg dose of Pregablin. Reflecting back on not having any pregablin in my system took me back to before I started taking pregablin. I was thinking the same suicidal thoughts about lying on train tracks, I was anxious about everything, fear flooded me, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t feel anything, I was numb, I was delirious, nothing looked, smelt, seemed right, I turned into a traumatised little girl, highly highly suicidal, couldn’t understand reality, couldn’t trust anyone, hating everything, fearful of going outside, didn’t know who I was anymore, I kept crying (maybe a withdrawal or maybe because I wasn’t so suppressed from emotions), I didn’t know what to do with myself. Yet I take one now and I am still dysfunctional, just life has smoother edges, I am not as panicky and fearful. I will continue taking half of my normal dose at around ten am, but if I get any dire withdrawals or I think I am going back to how I used to be (a traumatised mess after coming back from travelling) then I will have to stick to it until I get proper professional help. I don’t know how I will receive help with this coronavirus… Scary. I just want to come off all these pills, at least pregablin or another one. The chemicals in them are so nasty. With pregablin I am hazy, foggy, my brain feels numbed and I am delirious. Halfing the dose made me feel ghostly, silently terrifyed, anxious, empty and scared but still I had some clarity, I had a cage off the cage door unlocked even while experiencing all I did. The best of two evils… What do I do?

I cannot see a way out.

The only answer I see is doing the job properly and commiting suicide. All roads lead to suicide.