14/05/20: Heart Sinking Into An Abyss

I walk around the village, tears streaming from my worn out eyes. My heart is weak and calling out to you but you are no where to be seen. I scream your name until my heart burns but I cannot see you. I walk to the tree and the pond, I pretend to go out to read or smoke a cigarette and contemplate, but all I’m thinking about is you. I’m tempted to call but I am scared, scared of what would happen next. Do you care anymore? I visualise seeing you there and there but you aren’t there. I walk around limbs burning in chronic pain, an old lady at twenty years old. What is the point of my life? What is the point in anything? How can I live like this? Surely no more. I just want to die in your arms. For a long time I haven’t felt peace or calm in my mind, a very long long time. I have nightmares and sleep paralysis. I struggle through the day, I don’t know how I do it. Tears screech from my heart, it feels as if its been ripped apart and burnt. Ghostly and in and out of consciousness. I feel I could collapse. I’m sick of medication, I just want to free and normal. Was it me? Why did it come to this? Misery clouds my whole existence. I’m tired, I can’t sleep. I hate cigarettes. I’m so tired. I just want to feel the warmth of your heart against mine and look into your eyes. You are no where to be seen. All I see is trees and hear the tweeting of the birds. Cars drive past and I wonder if its you. I look back and it’s not. My heart sinks and rips again. I think I’m a lost cause. I’m dieing. I’m fading into oblivion. I try and work with people, we try but to no avail. What life is this? How can I survive this. Sounds are so loud. I’m sensitive to everything. I feel so alone, so deathly alone and misunderstood. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here. The crying stops and I’m left with a deathly ghost, a shell of a human that once was. My memory is hazy. Was it all a dream, did it happen? I’m floaty and nothing seems real. My mind is racy and constant headaches throb at my head. My knees buckle. My body feels like it’s crumbling and everything hurts. I just want to be in your arms and held and feel your lion heart against mine. I think of you. Do you think of me? I go online just to see if you are there and alive. My heart burns and I miss you. I hope you are well. What sort of initiation is this? How could God abondon his daughter? I just want peace. Round and round we go. I was there and you weren’t. My heart sinks into an abyss.

I miss your smell so much. I miss making love and feeling your body against mine. I miss feeling you inside me. Its so painful, so painful.

Does your heart bleed the same as mine does?

I just want to run into your arms and sink into you.

Love makes you go insane. My heart is bleeding.

Where are you now?

I just want to see you when I smoke my last cigarette for a hug before I sleep outside the porch. Secretly. Even though so much damage has been done.

The same thing over and over, tomorrow I walk to the same tree and weep and sink my back against the tree I tried to die beneath.