05/05/20: A Day Smoking A Cigarette

Misery. Torture. Crippling body pain. I miss you. Tired. Burnt-out. Drained. Ready to go. Dead. Numb. Scared. Pretending. Sick. Nausea. Made myself sick last night nearly by eating until I felt sick, too much pain, too much misery, too much loneliness, tears well up inside, daggers to the heart, vacant soul, still here, done, nervous, anxious, flat, ghostly, screaming inside, humming to silence the pain inside, don’t understand what is happening to me, headaches, eye pain, can’t sleep, sick, fuzzy head, brain fog, can’t think, can’t walk properly, no one to really talk to, petrified, living in a horror show, I wish it didn’t have to be this way, I just want to live a normal fucking life please I beg. My heart cannot take much more, its bleeding and sore. I feel like I’ve been in a car crash. A walk to the woods, say I love you and I did all I could and please let me go from this life. Tears prick my eyes as I write this. Desperately need help. I feel sick all the time, a nauseating background swirl. I want to scratch walls the pain is so bad. No one can see or hear. One more day. Two more days. A week. My time is up. My time is up. Please take me, I’ve exhausted myself. All I desire is peace and normality. Please. I lay on this bedroom floor trapped in a cage tearing up, in agony, alone, frightened, cold, shaking, miserable, I have no emotions, my feelings have been taken away from me, I’m a ghost of the person I once was and I don’t understand what is going on. I miss you. I’m tired and I just want to sleep. Death is calling at my door, I can’t take anymore. Fake laughs, fake smiles, fake listening to gossip, I don’t care, I don’t care. Take me now. I never knew this much pain was possible to exist. Hell is real. I just want to hold on and never let go and die please grant me that wish. Please grant me that wish. Please grant me that wish.

I don’t want this no more.

My head constantly hurts. Every part of me hurts.

I don’t like alcohol, but I just want to carry beer to the woods with me and lie there knocked out and not here anymore. I’m not here anyway.

This can’t be real, can it?

I don’t know what to do or where to turn.

I hate smoking cigarettes, I just want to feel something. They make me sick.

I try everyday.

I just want to sleep but my body is hyperactive and malfunctioning. Its not me, its this body.

This body feels disgusting to live in.

I feel every bit of pain.

No one will save me but myself. In death do I part. Self love suicide is all I think about every moment of everyday and it’s making me ill.

Please.

I wonder how you are and what you are doing. I wish we could have fun and laugh and I wish you could hold me in your arms safe to make the transition. I wish that was how it could be.

I’m so alone and afraid it is unbearable.

This cigarette is nearly out and I walk upstairs to the cage and poke myself with a needle. I can’t be bothered to tattoo yet I don’t know what else to do.

I’m sick and in bits and I need help.

The last toke and I press post. Maybe I shouldn’t do this, maybe it’s too much, I don’t care anymore.

I hope you sleep well, I’m scared for tonight or