03/08/20: A Ghost, The City & A Universe Of Pain

Today I walked around the city, I felt like a ghost, invisible fire burning body pains, swooping around corners, down that street, up those stairs, drifing in and out of consciousness, was I even there at all? Pre-menstrual pains jabbing at my ovaries every step I take; just when I’ve recovered from one thing another battle comes along.

The city was vibrant. Head phones on. Sunglasses on. Anonymous. No hassle. Off we go. Finances sorted. Organisation. Sitting with a tea, people watching and doing work on my phone and laptop. Smoke another cigarette. Shungite stone protects me from all outside energies, I have my own bubble around me. I am protected. I am going to the light, I am ascending.

Spiritual nutrition where are you?

Making love with you in all sorts of places, I love you and I love our experiences. These keep me alive. Getting to know someone’s body, connecting with you so deeply and observing what you like is a beautiful experience. Making love is sacred. Focus on becoming one. Tune in. Let those thoughts go. Smoke a joint, re play over and over. Sex can be very healthy, endorphins released, toning the body, all sorts of benefits. Yes I am a sex addict to you I would say, its like no other, you are loved by me and a drug, a strong potent drug. The smell of you makes me feel safe and I want to snuggle into you. I hope our relationship gets more and more deep, loving and we move past obstacles swiftly. Peace. I wish I could feel sex like most people, I wish I could feel those endorphins fully. I had a glimpse for the second time in my life of what the feeling of sex and orgasms could be like, my whole mk9body tingled and I never wanted the feeling to go away. I pray one day I get to be normal and not mentally and physically, shall we say, damaged.

Your son is coming soon and I love being around him, I love teaching him and answering his questions and watching him play. My period is coming and I wish it wasn’t coinciding with this special time. I will do what I can to make it a good experience with us. Blessed children are being brain washed. A virtual hug? Dear God, no words. Fuck off with your virtual hugs you shape shifting lizards, you are also God, but fallen angels, don’t do this to humanity, let us be, let us see the light and truth and create an extraordinary civilization. We travel from star to star, meeting different alien civilizations. Can you imagine?

I cover my physical vehicle with tattoos and piercings. What am I doing? Why do I want to change myself so much? It seems pointless when you are suicidal yet “fuck it” is also a thought that’s prominent. I changed my belly button piercing in a public toilet… That was pain and slightly stupid. Back and forth to the piercing store to get a longer bar. Finally it slips in, I twist the ball on and thank fuck for that. I wish I could appreciate this body and know I will have a long healthy life yet the future is so uncertain and all I want to do is kill myself and I don’t have the courage to go through with it.

If this world starts getting more weirder I will do the deed. No place here for my soul, I want to go home. Earth, gaia, needs to unshackled and set free from this matrix of control grids.

The world feels so bizzare. Masks. Distances. Rules and regulations. All seems to be control and divide. Hugh anxiety. Fear. Wiping down items and objects constantly. Insanity.

“Working.” What a joke. We are slaves. Hats off to people who have to work to put food on the table. In some respects I thank God I have fibromyalgia and mental health problems because I don’t think I could stand too long working out there in the world. Egh. No thanks.

I sit here now reflecting on the day and wonder how it went so rapidly. Time seems to be speeding up. It feels as if I don’t have enough time, yet I wish to die in each and every moment. My brain is foggy and I can’t remember things. I couldn’t remember what I was doing half an hour ago earlier. I don’t understand what is happening to me. Pharmaceuticals. Haze. Fog. Zombie. I don’t feel here anymore, I feel detached and dissociated completely. Where is the present moment? Am I still here?

I miss writing. I haven’t found the motivation to write recently, It seems as if everything is pointless. I want to purge up all I hold within and put it onto a page. Round and round, cycles of thought that spin and torment me, what’s the point? There is no point, it all just is, soul paths, soul contract, whatever it is, it just is. Free will? Reality is a paradox.

Now I brace myself for the next battle on top of battle on top of battle on top of battle.

It’s all an eternal, infinite dream; a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream and on it goes forevermore.

I misunderstand the world and I feel misunderstood. Everything is smoky, foggy and blurred. What is the truth? Is it all a joke? Is it truth mixed with lies? I’ve gotten into conspiracy theories and many have come true yet I know I am vulnerable and ideas should be kept in one folder and not held as absolute. What is true and what is false? To have truth and live in this world we have to have falsified reality?

So much to write, so many things and experiences left unsaid.

My mind won’t stop. It’s been two years and I can’t stop my mind from spinning and spinning and not letting me stop. I haven’t feel peace or calm for years dear God. Even the herb won’t do it. Give me a break god, I know you are me, but jesus.

Fuck, I feel damaged and I have to accept where I am. I kill myself or try and keep muscling through… Please can I be normal again, my own version of normal in my own body and consciousness. Please. Begging you..

Stop eating at midnight and not eating during the day. This affects me, medications, energy, feelings. Come on Amber. Stop. It’s only the herb making you feel hungry. Maybe I need the nutrients.

Counselling. I am trying. She is getting me into art. That’s good. Let’s see how this goes.

I wish I could help people, I wish I could do something, I can’t even mange myself fully. Frustrating but acceptance is key.

Keep on battling Amber, just keeping fucking going somehow find a way, find the fucking way. Fucking hell with knobs on.

Have a good life,

Amber

02/08/20: I Am Going To The Light

Don’t feed into the fear vibrations. We can choose to go to the light. We are light beings. We are God. We are all that is and has been and will be. Love is the answer. Love answers all questions. We are all fractals of an infinite consciousness experiencing a human life incarnation. Our minds create reality. Choose the light. Choose love.